When people think of love, Eros is typically the love style they are envisioning. Thus, it is the easiest to write about. From the Greek word eros we get our word erotic and that makes it easy to understand that this type of love is one that is most definitely a romantic love, one that is shared between a man and a woman. Eros is the difference between saying “I love you” and “I’m in love with you!” Eros is the love that involves what marriage researcher John Gottman calls “the Love Cocktail.” I refer to it in my book The Super Couple: A Formula for Extreme Happiness in Marriage. (You should get a copy. I hear it’s really good! 😊).
The Love Cocktail is a combination of eleven different hormones that become elevated when we meet someone to whom we are hyper-attracted as a potential mate. Most all of us have experienced the Love Cocktail at some point in our lives after we’ve met someone that we become “crazy” about. I use the word crazy because the hormones that are elevated during this short six month to two-year period of time take over our brains and make us less logic-centered and more passionate or feeling-centered, at least when it comes to connecting or communicating with that person who is the object of our attraction. Some of the hormones that are elevated are ones that give you a natural amphetamine high (DHEA), one that reduces fear and good judgement (oxytocin) (I know. Right?!), testosterone which increases aggressiveness, sexual desire and lust, serotonin which increases emotional sensitivity and low irritability (nothing he/she does could ever possibly irritate you!). Then there’s dopamine which is responsible for excitement, pleasure, motivation and risk-taking (Oh fine, sure. We can have sex without protection this one time. I’m sure we won’t get pregnant!!) Umm. Yeah. Ok. I now have two daughters and six grandchildren because of the influence of dopamine back in 1983. But I’ll save the details for another article 😊.
Lastly, there’s my favorite: vasopressin. Vasopressin is known as the monogamy molecule as it’s responsible for aggressive possessiveness in males and makes it absolutely impossible to love two people at one time. Vasopressin makes a person believe this is the first time they have ever felt this way before and no one else could ever again make them feel this way. This, they believe, is true love! It is not. This, says the Relationship Doctor, is a hormone that you’d better get under control because it’s making you crazy! Crazy in love at least.
So, when we “eros” someone be very aware that this one of the Greek love styles just does not last. It can’t If it did the world would stop moving as everyone in this state of mind would have zero desire to do anything or go anywhere apart from being in the arms of their beloveds. They’d not visit family. They’d not repair the house or fix the fence or write the book they’ve been planning to write. When we eros someone we think so much of them that we have much less motivation to do anything else.
While it sounds like I’m being overly critical of this love style, I am not. It is necessary to fall deeply “in love” with someone in order to commit to that person for the rest of your life. If we didn’t have these initial and overwhelming feelings who would want to promise to spend the rest of their lives attached to another completely unrelated human being with flaws and failings? This type of love attracts us to and makes us want to spend our lives with that other human. Once the eros wears off we move into another love style—one that will cause us to choose to love the other person. That’s the love style that will sustain your relationship or marriage for a lifetime, but I’ll save that for another post.
Until then, enjoy "erosing" your lover, your spouse. Enjoy this season of love because, while it is fleeting, it is a gift and it is one that you will treasure. It is a season that when looked back upon during the mundane or rough years, will remind you why you fell in love in the first place and will serve to bring you back to the love of your youth and strengthen your love for the future.
One last note, romance does not have to die. When you transition to the other kids of love, the ones that will sustain your marriage for the long haul, remember what it was like when you were "in eros" over one another and do your best to deliberately try yo replicate those days. Buy the flowers, kiss the cheek, hold each others' hands, play together more often. Just because eros is fleeting and wears off naturally does not mean that you can't work to recreate it and rebuild those feelings that brought you together in the first place. It'll be well worth the loving reward you receive in the end for your efforts.
Lastly, there’s my favorite: vasopressin. Vasopressin is known as the monogamy molecule as it’s responsible for aggressive possessiveness in males and makes it absolutely impossible to love two people at one time. Vasopressin makes a person believe this is the first time they have ever felt this way before and no one else could ever again make them feel this way. This, they believe, is true love! It is not. This, says the Relationship Doctor, is a hormone that you’d better get under control because it’s making you crazy! Crazy in love at least.
So, when we “eros” someone be very aware that this one of the Greek love styles just does not last. It can’t If it did the world would stop moving as everyone in this state of mind would have zero desire to do anything or go anywhere apart from being in the arms of their beloveds. They’d not visit family. They’d not repair the house or fix the fence or write the book they’ve been planning to write. When we eros someone we think so much of them that we have much less motivation to do anything else.
While it sounds like I’m being overly critical of this love style, I am not. It is necessary to fall deeply “in love” with someone in order to commit to that person for the rest of your life. If we didn’t have these initial and overwhelming feelings who would want to promise to spend the rest of their lives attached to another completely unrelated human being with flaws and failings? This type of love attracts us to and makes us want to spend our lives with that other human. Once the eros wears off we move into another love style—one that will cause us to choose to love the other person. That’s the love style that will sustain your relationship or marriage for a lifetime, but I’ll save that for another post.
Until then, enjoy "erosing" your lover, your spouse. Enjoy this season of love because, while it is fleeting, it is a gift and it is one that you will treasure. It is a season that when looked back upon during the mundane or rough years, will remind you why you fell in love in the first place and will serve to bring you back to the love of your youth and strengthen your love for the future.
One last note, romance does not have to die. When you transition to the other kids of love, the ones that will sustain your marriage for the long haul, remember what it was like when you were "in eros" over one another and do your best to deliberately try yo replicate those days. Buy the flowers, kiss the cheek, hold each others' hands, play together more often. Just because eros is fleeting and wears off naturally does not mean that you can't work to recreate it and rebuild those feelings that brought you together in the first place. It'll be well worth the loving reward you receive in the end for your efforts.
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