Standing for Reconciliation in Your Marriage

I Am A Stander

7/28/2018

Image of woman standing atop a mountain looking into the sunset.

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall." Ps 62:7

With the Lord’s grace, I save marriages for a living. Not I, but He through me. I teach marriage seminars, wrote a marriage book, lead Standers’ meetings, am a parent stander and more than three decades ago I was the prodigal who left my husband for another (but are now reconciled and soon-to-be-celebrating our 35th!) I’m pretty familiar with this Standing business!

I’m constantly asked “What is a Stander?” It’s exciting to explain as it creates openings to share the Gospel and show the world there’s always hope—and another option than divorce. But I needed a clear list to point them to so they could consider Standing too. I pray this "list" blesses you in your stand or allows you to walk alongside the stand of a loved one.

What is a Stander?

A Stander is one who’s standing for reconciliation of a marriage: a spouse, child, sibling’s, etc.

Standing spouses are counter-cultural as they choose to stand even though their spouse may be in the midst of an affair, is pursuing divorce, has a child with the other person or has already attained a “legal” divorce.

Standers believe in the covenant made at their wedding that “what God has joined together, no human must separate (Mk 10:9)”—not even a judge. Thus, they remain married regardless of their “legal” status.

Standers refuse to surrender their marriage simply because others tell them to “get on with their lives” or “they deserve to be happy.”

Standers realize that while standing they’re definitely experiencing the “worse” part of their “better or worse” vows but by the grace of God, they can endure this journey in hopes of a worldly reconciliation. They also know that thousands of couples have reconciled and are exponentially happier than before their stands.

Standing is hard—likely the hardest thing you’ll ever do as it stretches you in ways you never believed possible. You will cry. You will scream and you will pray for the seemingly unbearable journey to end. But you will also rest. You will grow in wisdom, strength, perseverance, self-control, patience and peace. You will praise God for the woman or man you recognize yourself becoming and you’d likely not turn back.

Your stand will allow you to grow in intimacy with your children, your spouse (even if you rarely communicate) and others as standing teaches you to love like Christ. You’ll be shocked when you find yourself praying for the other person and recognizing the softening of your heart as you do.

Your stand will transform you.

Memorize this: “Jesus I trust in you! Jesus, I trust in you! Repeat daily...Umm…hourly…ok, constantly.

Though each stand is as unique as each couple, most Standers practice the following:

Never respond to hatred and anger with hatred and anger. (Luke 6:27-28) (Eph 4:31-32)
Never respond with tough love. (Prv. 15:1) (Gal. 6:1)
Never give ultimatums. (Prov 24:29) (Rom 12:17-21)
Never respond as “everyone else” tells you to respond. (Rom. 16:17) (1 Pet 3:15-16)
Never think of yourself as “the good guy” and your prodigal as “the bad guy.” (Mat 7:3)
Never seek unnecessary information about your prodigal. It only hurts you and places doubt in your mind as to the potential for reconciliation. (Phil 4:8)
Never think of yourself first “rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourself (Phil 2:3b)”
Recognize the conditions you may have placed on your “unconditional” love. (1 Cor 13:4-7)
Recognize what your prodigal says isn’t really your prodigal but the enemy who has temporarily deceived your prodigal. (2 Cor 4:3-4)
Recognize what you see happening in the Natural has little to do with what is taking place in the Supernatural. (Eph 6:12)
Recognize your children will at first believe your reconciliation impossible but will eventually support your stand as they witness its fruit in your life. (Prov 1:8-9)
Recognize most prodigals will blame their entire broken relationship on you and your faults. (1 Pet 3:14)
Recognize most prodigals will say they never loved you and are never coming back. (Eph 5:6)
Recognize many prodigals do come back. (Luke 15:11-21) (Hos 2:9)
Recognize reconciled marriages are happier than those that never struggled. (Rom 11:15)
Recognize “divorce” and “remarriage” never solve problems but create new ones. (Deut 24:1-4)
Always pray before communication with your prodigal. (Phil 4:6)
Always apologize for any of your missteps—regardless of their proportion to your prodigal’s. (Matt 5:23)
Always pray for your prodigal. (1 Thes 5: 17)
Always pray for the Other Person. (Luke 6:27-36)
Always opt for silence over defense. (Prov 21:23)
Listen more than you ever believed humanly possible. (Jam 1:19)
Forgive more than you ever believed humanly possible. (Col 3:13)
Love more than you ever believed humanly possible. (1 Pet 4:8-9)
And in the words of Winston Churchill “Never, never, never give up” on your spouse, your marriage and the Lord’s promises.

Why Do We Stand?

We stand because we no longer tolerate the false ideology that divorce “makes us happier” and recognize that second “marriages” fail at a higher rate than do first marriages. As Parent Standers, while we recognize we have no control over whether or not our children reconcile, we more quickly realize we are truly “standing in the gap” until they can stand on their own. We stand because we recognize the debilitating effects of divorce on our communities, our families and, most importantly, our children! We say we’d take a bullet for them, yet few are willing to take the tremendously painful bullet that rips into their hearts, tearing to pieces their childhoods, their lives and their future relationships. We stand because we no longer want to victimize our children with the selfishness of striving for our own happiness—while negating theirs. We stand because we know we’re powerless, God’s in control and our job is to surrender. We stand because we love and love never fails.

I am a Stander. Will you stand with me?

98 Comments

Debbie

7/31/2018 14:36:50

I feel that I’m a stander, though sometimes it’s me who thinks I can’t stand one minute more. I feel that I sometimes hurt or ignore him, as though that will make him know how he has hurt me. Thank you for this blog.

Dr. Christine Bacon

7/31/2018 15:00:32

Girl, you are not alone! I think so many of us hurt in retaliation for having been hurt. It's like putting our hands on a hot stove. Our instant reaction is quick and definitive. The problem with us ignoring or hurting back is that often they don't even realize they've hurt us, and even if they do, we are not drawing them closer to Christ through our response. We are being unloving, un-Christlike, and the battle continues. Continue to see areas that you respond in ways unlike our Lord and then quickly apologize for them. Even if what your husband did is worse. Your apology for a minor misstep will befuddle him and cause him to wonder why you DIDN'T respond unkindly. Don't expect to fix this in a day. I'll be fixed the day I die. Ugh. Oh well, Jesus is pleased why I at least give it the ol' college try. I look forward to hearing from you one day when you have attained Super Couple status. It is surely possible.

Tom

10/13/2020 22:20:35

December will mark a year of separation. I was the sinner in the marriage. I felt short and failed in my marriage. It seems impossible now that my wife will reconcile w me. I don’t doubt that she has the date circled on the calendar when she will file for divorce. I’m standing. I am putting my trust in God and pray that He heals my family. With God all things are possible!

12/15/2020 13:28:16

Tom I understand I was the major sinner too. Sometimes knowing Gods will is just doing the next right thing. Our best repentance sometimes is changed behavior. The secret sauce to standing is loving God first above all else, more so than a desire for a restored marriage. I would suggest you put that desire in Gods lap, release the control of it and leave it up to God. In my situation there is a Good reason restoration has not happened yet. It’s probably because my marriage is an idol

5/27/2019 10:02:23

I don’t know where to begin I’m at the point where it just seems impossible. I’m the worst stander in the history of standing lol that’s how I feel. I keep trying to give up but I just can’t get over the pain. I sinned badly in my marriage a lot...after years of being lukewarm I got saved went from being a prodigal to a Christian and no one believed. Now I’m in a situation I don’t want to be in nor do I know the way out

Dr.Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:37:50

Dear CB, I can assure you that you are not the worst stander in history. Most of us Standers believe that, next to the death of a child, standing is the most difficult thing one will ever have to do in their entire lifetimes. Standing can be lonely as most of us are surrounded by friends and family who have bought the lies of a culture that says it's ok to move on if you're unhappy. Moving on will NOT make us any happier. We will then just be forced to pretend we're happy accepting a lifestyle we never wanted because it's what's been dealt out to us. Please don't give up on your stand! All of us are sinners who have fallen short and Satan will do his darndest to make you think you are beyond forgiveness and reconciliation. You are not. If you want help finding the way out of your lifestyle and strategies for your continued stand, please let me know. I am here for you and can connect you with an entire community of other standers to walk beside you and encourage you through the good days and the bad. Go to my contact page and send me a private message. I'll get back with you ASAP.
Dr. Bacon

Noel

9/8/2020 00:25:36

I’m a stander , please help me pray

Keisha Hyman-Gifth

10/7/2020 20:30:07

standing, praying, believing God for resortoration but i am hurting. Please pray for us

Crk

8/31/2020 14:36:01

I felt that same way in the beginning of my stand but instead of recognizing my faults I prayed for God to bring back my spouse (which he of course didn't do) but eventually I became so frustrated that I let go of my selfish desires and said, "God, just change my heart to reflect yours." That is when I started to hear his voice. I allowed him to iron out all the ugly parts of my heart and soon I saw my spouse differently. I saw him as a lost soul rather than someone bringing me pain. When you feel the enemy try to shame you and reminding you about your past just repeat Galatians 2:20 until you believe that you are no longer your old self. Also, pit your focus on growing in God (if you are of faith) instead of what others think. Those who mock or persecute you for your stand will witness God's glory from the situation. I reminded myself of that a couple times, it helps hate or bitterness not develop in your heart.

Chris

8/20/2019 06:31:06

Wow what a blog I'm a husband standing for my marriage for the second time 4 years the first time I don't know how long it will be this time but jesus has my back and i will be faithful god out us together .

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:39:18

Jesus definitely has your back, Chris! He is the King of Reconciliation. He wants your reconciliation too. God bless you, Christine

Carl

10/21/2019 04:53:21

How do you know if God wants you to stand rather than accept and let go? My wife committed emotional adultery first then followed by physical adultery when we were separated. The guy is now in my house. My wife wants a divorce. Is this God saying let it go as hopeless or fight and stand? Standing is so hard right when hope seems gone? But God??!!

Tom

12/23/2019 21:56:03

1 Cor. 7:15. Also any one who does not take care of their own is worse than a unbeliever

Marcia

2/8/2020 12:44:21

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NIV)
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Verse 15 does NOT mean "let go and find another". It means live in peace. Paul tells us what the Lord says, so does Luke (as well as Matt 19, and 5:31-31, and Mark 10)

Luke 16:18 (NIV)
18 “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 5:31-32 Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (RSVCE)
Concerning Divorce
31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity,[a] makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Footnotes:
5.32 unchastity: The Greek word used here appears to refer to marriages that were not legally marriages because they were either within the forbidden degrees of consanguinity (Lev 18.6-16) or contracted with a Gentile. The phrase except on the ground of unchastity does not occur in the parallel passage in Lk 16.18. See also Mt 19.9 (Mk 10.11-12), and especially 1 Cor 7.10-11 which shows that the prohibition is unconditional.

Malachi 2:14-16... He hates divorce because of what it does to the children (also mentioned in 1Cor 7:15)

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:43:04

This is amazing Marcia! You post is comprehensive and absolutely spot on! No matter how we as a society try to make the square peg of divorce try to fit into the round hole of God's law, it cannot stand. Divorce is still an abomination in the eyes of God. I'm not judging others. I'm just repeating what God has told us. I stand with you as we both try to help save other's marriages. It's definitely not easy but the payoff is eternal! God bless you sister,
Dr. Christine Bacon

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:51:59

No Carl. God does NOT want you to let go of your marriage. There's a huge difference between moving forward and moving on. You must continue to move forward in your life and your attempts at reconciling your marriage--despite what the situation may look like in the natural. You never know what God is doing in the supernatural. Affairs end...even after they move in together ESPECIALLY after they move in together and the excitement of sneaking around comes to an end and the mundaneness of real life sets in. Whether or not the divorce goes through in the natural, you are still married in the eyes of God as his word tells us (over and over again). And as I said before, standing is the heaviest cross any human will ever have to carry besides the death of a child. So keep on fighting! You are a strong and blessed man as God only gives these heavy crosses to those who are strong enough to carry them. But you do not have to carry it alone. You have an entire community of standers here to stand beside you. let me know and I'll add you to our private group and you can meet with us through Zoom or even face-to-face. We'll encourage you and allow you to vent when needed. We understand. One last thing, thousands of marriages reconcile every year--couples that dealt with infidelity, those who divorced and those who had children with the other person. Yours can reconcile too. My own marriage is proof of that. May God bless your stand and your marriage. Send me a message if you want to connect further.
Christine

Davina Wilkins

11/20/2020 22:06:25

I would like to join. I am a new stander and while I do have prayer support I still sometimes wonder if it is my thoughts I hear or God telling me my marriage is not over. I have not spoken to my husband in 3 mos. we had a divorce hearing and the judge was ready to grant it and then changed her mind and sent us to mediation. He was not happy about it but I prayed for mediation and my God answered my prayer! The flesh in me did hurt and wonder if I should have just let him have the divorce but then I remembered the enemy is always trying to put fear and doubt and that is not the spirit of Christ! I too had to let go of my selfish prayers for my husband to come back and shift my focus to rebuilding my relationship with Christ and praying for the salvation of his soul. It is hard

Angel

12/5/2020 16:39:09

Thanks for the encouragement it was needed for me today.

Yolanda E Shaw

2/24/2021 22:50:44

Id like to join this support group currently standing.

Samantha Hertel

3/2/2021 05:22:51

Can anyone help me or encourage to be a true stander. I am a new stander and sometines it feels like its all hopeless. Its almost 2 months since my husband left.

10/27/2020 21:34:36

Carl, I don't know where your marriage is currently. I pray that over all you chose Christ and stood until the day she repented or the day she said "I do" to someone else. I have been the bad spouse and the standing spouse at different times. I have learned to be more committed to Jesus than my feelings. My marriage is 24 years old right now. And hopefully non Christ it will never end until physical death. May God bless you

Josh

1/16/2021 14:06:10

Carl

This is me! I have been separated Fromm my wife of 13 years with 4 kids! My wife left me because of my sinful lifestyle. She has a boyfriend and it seems hopeless, so I know how you feel man!

Lisa

2/1/2020 03:31:24

On my 4th stand, had 3 false starts. My husband has been gone now going on 14 months and has been threatening divorce since November of last year. However, he wants me to initiate it which I will not. On Christmas he said to expect the papers the following week but praise God we are in February now and still nothing. Communication is very limited. At times standing seems unbearable and like nothing is happening. Then there are times of absolute peace that surpasses all understanding. I am up browsing articles and posts about prodigals. It's a little after midnight and I am missing my husband dearly. But I know God will sustain me. No matter what I will not give up.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 21:04:29

Oh Lisa, my heart aches for you! I know this is difficult but you can get through this. You have an army of angels protecting you and supporting you right now. You are so right to not initiate the divorce. It's one of the mistakes so many make when we are told our spouse no longer loves us or, worse, has found someone else. DON'T DO IT! It is one extra barrier and it requires them to have to not only pay for the filing but also to face their our choices. Prodigals want us to file for the divorce that they want so they feel less guilty and then they can always say "Well, my spouse is the one who initiated the divorce." Don't fall for that trick and do not make it easier for your spouse to leave. Communication may be limited right now but let God use that silence to your advantage. Look at what's going on in our world today. The quarantine is forcing some people to stay with the other person 24/7 and it's not as good as they may have expected. I'm not sure if you are dealing with infidelity (though 90% of the time that is the catalyst to them leaving) but if so, people begin to get stir crazy if they are forced to stay in the same house for extended periods. Further, when you spend that much time together the glamour is removed and the warts start getting revealed. Regardless, I know standing seems unbearable at times but you are not alone. There is a community here just waiting to support you and stand with you. If you want a group of loving standers to encourage you through your difficult days, just give me a private email and I will reach out to you. You are loved. God WILL sustain you!
Christine

Lisa

4/1/2020 21:35:16

Thank you for your response Christine. He actually filed for divorce on 3/13. He called me while I was at work angry as usual sending me pictures of the wad of money he was about to pay the lawyer and the receipt. I spoke with the lawyer he asked was there anything I wanted out of the divorce I sajd no. He said well since you are in a different state we have to find someone there to serve you so just be sure to answer your phone to any unusual numbers it will most likely be our process server. That way you 2 can coordinate a time to meet so you can be served. He then said the process will take about 5 to 6 months. After that I was numb and I took my ring off. Then Covid crisis happened and everything has been shut down so the process is in limbo. My husband has not even attempted to check on me during all this. I no longer pray for our marriage to be restored but I do pray that the Lord keeps him safe. I honestly do not have any desire to be with him any more.

Holly

6/16/2020 15:01:20

Thank you for your article and encouraging words! My husband moved into the basement 8 months before deploying to Europe. During those 8 months he would come back into the bedroom to “reconcile “ whenever it suited him. One week he would want a divorce, the next week he would be “confused” and tell me he still loved me. Then after he deployed, about 3 weeks later he told me he didn’t need to talk to me unless necessary or anything regarding our kids. He came home for a week during the holidays and I discovered notes from another woman. He finally admitted to dating multiple women and having affairs. He said I shouldn’t be surprised because he said he wanted a divorce before he left. He refuses to acknowledge how he used me and played with my emotions before he deployed. Our kids (who are all in their late teens) want nothing to do with him. He has just returned from deployment and filed for divorce (6 months after discovering his affair). He says he wants to fix things with the kids and for us to be civil. He says he’s sorry for the way he ended things but not remorseful. He once was a Christian and says he’s asked God to forgive him for the affairs but thinks it’s ok to date because in his heart he’s no longer married. He justifies everything and truly believes me and the kids will “come around” and forgive and move forward. I’m so hurt, angry and disgusted by his behavior and attitude. He’s so lost and can’t see it no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it to him. I go back and forth with “standing” or “moving on” but try to ALWAYS end my prayers with “not my will, but Yours be done!”

Gina

2/7/2020 10:37:09

My husband had an affair 5 years ago simply lust, she worshipped the devil he left. I didn't hold up my end of the bargain of forgiveness! Last May I found he was talking to her, confronted him and he said nothing was going on. On Sunday in church in November we held hands and he raised them to God and we came home and I knew I had to make changes. 1 hour later I found his text and when I confronted him he said it wasn't what I thought and that he never loved me! He walked away from his ministries! He is still living here was suppose to move out in January! He calls me baby but has no physical contact with me at all, he sleeps on the couch! He see her once a week and lies about where he has been. I went to her house on one of those days and there was his car. I have been standing, fasting, up and down in emotions! One day I am confident in God then the next I am devastated! During this journey God has showed me my role as a wife and when he shows me I go and apologize to him for what I did! I struggle knowing he is in somebody else bed and here I am asking for forgiveness but I have to do what the Holy Spirit guides me to do! I want to pack his cloths and drop them off at her house when he is there but then again I want my marriage! We are going to a concert in San Diego to see TobyMac this weekend but after that I don't know! This pain is worse than anything I could imagine and I can't hear God!

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 16:32:04

Gina,

I am so hurt for you. Standing is hard! And you have what is called an "in-home prodigal". That sometimes makes it harder as you have to look at his "mess" on a daily basis. But the good side is that "at least you have him in your home." It's a double-edged sword. Everything you are doing is good: praying, fasting, apologizing and looking to God to become a new creation in Christ. That's all you CAN do. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. But the Lord can and will change him. He is very double-minded right now (calling you baby and then saying he never loved you; seeing another woman but then going to a concert with you). I understand wanting to pack his bags and even wanting to scream in his face about his behavior towards you and towards God, but you're right. You also want your marriage. If you'd like, I can give you some strategies on how to stand while you're in this stage: how to be a welcome mat without being a doormat. Go to my contact page and send me a personal email if you wish and we can work form there. But remember, God can work the most amazing miracles in your marriage as He has in so so many marriages already. He sometimes lets it get to its most impossible stage so that when he transforms it people are stunned and know it could have only occurred through his hand. I'll stand beside you the whole journey.
Christine

10/27/2020 21:45:10

Praying for you Gina and that your husband will be free from bondage. I am listening to a book called Lies Women believe and the truth that sets them free. This is the 2nd time I am listening. Maybe listen to audible books. That book and Heaven by Randy Alcorn. That one isn't about marriage but is very comforting.

Joshua

3/11/2020 12:31:10

I am a young husband and father of a beautiful 3 yo daughter named River who until reading this page did not identify as a Stander but now I do. My wife and i have been together for 11 years and May would make 5 years of marriage. I have taken many steps to working on and purifying myself for the trials at hand. I am constantly seeking information, testimonials, etc during down time at work to help me get through the day. I must say that this page instantly stood out as uplifting and I thank the creators of it and the Creator of all that I found it.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 17:01:41

Joshua,

Thank you for the compliment on this being an uplifting site. That is my greatest hope, AND that hearts are turned to the Lord through it. I am glad you've made the decision to stand. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but the fruit of your efforts are eternal. If you need more testimonials go to Rejoice Marriage Ministries and head the story of its founders Charlyne and Bob Steinkamp and then read any of the thousands of testimonials they have on their site of impossible marriages reconciled. Also read Leila Miller's latest book "Impossible" Marriages Redeemed. It's fantastic and uplifting! My redemption story is in there too. If you would like to connect more intimately, please reach out to me through my contact page and i can walk this difficult journey with you. Have a blessed day and keep your eyes fixed on the Lord. he's all you need to get through this.
Christine

Sabrina

4/8/2020 23:08:47

Anyone ever get restored after their spouse married the other woman?
I’ve been standing 4 years almost
Thanks

Jeff

3/21/2020 00:25:27

I am standing when all around me tells me to run. I have the eternity and destiny at stake for my spouse and 6 children who are struggling in their own ways with this. God spoke to me today after finding out my wife has a new boy friend, do you trust me, do you trust me. He said it several time before I decided to answer yes. I am really struggling with the separation. Our status in the world say divorced, but not before the eyes of God!

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 17:14:58

Jeff,
I am sooo glad you answered "Yes"! Your nature is in battle with your spirit. The natural always tells us to run but God says "Can you trust me to work out amazing things in the Supernatural?" You're a good man for standing especially since this whole world and everyone in it would tell you to run and cut her loose. Don't listen to them. Continue to listen to the Lord who will guide you in all of your ways. He made you a strong and courageous man and he wants you to fught with everything in your being for not only the sake of those six little ones but for wife's soul as well. The consequences of this choice will be truly eternal. But there will also be consequences here on earth such as the future success of your children's marriages as well as their levels of security and faith. Many children of divorce leave the faith because of their parents' divorce. You have an opportunity right now to alter the future in immeasurable ways. If you want someone to walk beside you or to join our Standers group, please contact me personally though my contact page and I will call you back.
Jesus, I trust in you,

Christine

Lorraine

4/2/2020 10:34:04

2/22/2020 05:34:31 --
What about standing for a second marriage? We do not have children together. My ex has already remarried. His ex has not but committed adultery and then left my husband. She never remarried and has no desire to. She is living completely in the flesh. When we started dating I asked and looked into if there were any chance of restoration in that marriage before proceeding in our relationship. We dated 16 months and both felt the Lord had brought us to each other in his goodness. Jesus was the foundation of our marriage. But after only two months of marriage I realized I was not healed from the emotional abuse from my first marriage and I brought with me baggage. My issues wounded my husband who now feels we made a mistake. I do not believe that is so and even still I recognize the sanctity of a covenant. God was in our relationship and at the altar with us when we took our vows before him. Of course many people want to tel me that we made a mistake getting married and to just let it go. But inside I feel I am called to stand. I know the Holy Spirit lives inside my husband and I am believing that in God’s timing he will rise up and move in my husband’s heart. I just need to remain faithful and continue with my counseling so that I can get the healing I need when restoration comes. I’m just wondering your thoughts since this was a second marriage for both of us.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/3/2020 15:12:48

First of all, I’d like to ask you if you are Catholic? If so, did you get an annulment for your first marriage? Annulment does not “cancel out a marriage” it is a process to decide whether or not a marriage ever existed in the first place. Whether or not you are Catholic or Protestant then, you are in a Spiritually binding covenant with the spouse of your youth (your first husband). Man’s law (civil divorces) can not alter God’s law. A bond that God created cannot be severed by man. That’s why in our marriage vows we say (or at least used to say) “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder”. I know that may not be what you want to hear but we have all begun to fall victim to the culture’s “if everyone else is doing it then it must be ok” ideology. “Everyone’s sleeping together before they marry these days, so it must be acceptable.” God calls it fornication. “Oh he/she’s not legally divorced yet but he/she is no longer living with his spouse. Their divorce is almost complete so it’s ok for us to date.” God calls it adultery. “Everyone is marrying a second time so it must be a valid marriage.” It is not. Jesus said “If a man divorces his wife he forces her to commit adultery” [Jesus was pointing to the fact that a woman would NEED to remarry in order to live and thus sleeping with her second husband was still adulterous. God is God. He makes the laws. Our job is to abide by them.

All that said, I am NOT being judgmental. I, too, have (based on those laws above) committed both fornication and adultery. I am sorry. I have repented. God has forgiven me. Praise Him. So judgement from me, Sister! However, you did reach out to me for my advice so I would not be faithful to my call as His steward if I did not answer you honestly based on the Word. So let’s start with your first marriage.

Just because your first (only) husband is “remarried” does not mean either of you is out of your covenant. You were and are married in the eyes of God until one of you leaves this world. He, too, is living in a state of legalized adultery being with this second woman he calls his wife. Just curious, do you and he have any children together? Does your “ex” have any children with the other woman? That adds another layer to this response that I won’t get into here for the sake of time. I will respond to it in a second email if you’d like. As standers, we know that Standing is the hardest thing we will ever do in our entire lives and waiting for our covenant spouse to divorce the non-covenant spouse is an incredibly difficult thing to do (apart form the grace of God). But in essence, that’s what we are called to do (whether society judges us as nut cases for doing so or not) even if “everyone else says to move on and try again a second (or third, or fourth) time with another person.

As for your current “husband” and your situation… I’m sorry that his first wife committed adultery. That is devastating to say the least. It destroys many marriages. BUT it is a forgivable offense regardless. They can surely reconcile. All that is needed for that is humility, forgiveness and grace that only God can give. I’m thrilled she has no desire to remarry! That means she found out that the other man wasn’t right for her either and that infidelity makes us irrational. If she and your “husband” one day reconcile oh what rejoicing there would be in heaven! If they have children together oh what rejoicing there would be on earth! Children want to be raised by THEIR mom and THEIR dad—not a step parent. But I can work with them later though. This is about you. I know.

I am happy that you waited to see if there would be restoration in that marriage before you decided to marry. That shows your heart. You seem to want what’s best. And had you had the information I have just shared with you, you likely would never have married him but rather kept your eyes of faith on knowing that as long as there is breath in their lungs there is always potential for reconciliation. As a Christian many of us look for a sign to see if God is “OK” with this second relationship. But we also forget that Satan is also out there lying to us and he always tries to make something ungodly seem as if it “must have been from God” because it feels so right. One thing I always tell my clients and my children is that “peace is of the Lord, chaos is of Satan”. But it’s so funny that although it may have felt peaceful at first (though you may have been suppressing that still small voice down in your soul) that it only took a short two months for you to start experiencing the chaos of regret brought on by your “baggage” or unhealed wounds. I’m sorry that you were emotionall

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/3/2020 15:18:07

(part 2) emotionally abused. We can talk about that privately. I’ve seen many emotional “abusers” repent and become amazing spouses. (We’ll save that for later). Nonetheless, there is no peace. God may not have ordained that relationship. If you are in a state of adultery then rest assured he did NOT ordain that relationship. So please forgive me when this comes out sounding bad, but it’s a good thing that your husband feels like you guys made a mistake. It means God is speaking to his spirit as well. If you are both God-fearing people (which it seems you definitely are) God is likely withdrawing his peace as well because of this current decision to be in a non-covenant “marriage.” You can love one another but move on from each other…just like you both “moved on” from your first spouses. Now I am surely not saying that this would be easy. We are fighting against the forces of hell on this earth and Satan will do all in his power to get you to stay out of God’s will. It will seem crazy hard in your mind while you are contemplating it. But I will guarantee you one thing: once you step back into God’s will you will be COVERED with God’s incredible grace. Your spirit will just KNOW it’s right and you will find peace—the peace that transcends all understanding. God will guide you. He always has and He always will. We just have to get better at listening to him and discerning his voice from the many voices of the world (and of Satan).

Back to you. Your brokenness may have wounded your husband but you first need to heal your wounds. But don’t be remiss in thinking that you are the only one that is broken. Your new “husband” is also broken. We all are. There are some serious wounds that come from being the victim of infidelity and from divorce (self-doubt, insecurity, pride, etc.). So of course this is why second “marriages” fail at a rate significantly higher than first marriages. Broken people are trying to go through this life trying to find someone who “completes them “ as the movie says when the only one that can ever complete us is the Lord. The most beautiful thing you said was that you “ still I recognize the sanctity of a covenant.” You’re speaking truth there! But if you truly do, you’ll see that which you know deep down but just don’t want to hear (because of all the pain and hurt you endured) that your covenant was made only once and was not at that altar with you and your second “husband.” I rarely agree with the comments our ;friends” make to us regarding divorce and remarriage, but here is one time I will agree with your friends. You DID make a mistake and maybe you should seriously consider letting it go. Then work with me to find out how to be a stander for your first and only marriage. God can and has done amazingly transformative things! He can surely change your first husband from Saul to Paul. DO you not believe it is so? If not, your God is too small. In my business I’ve been blessed more times than I deserve to see these kinds of “fall to your knees” transformations.

Lorraine, this journey is not about your marriage. It’s about you. God wants your whole heart, your whole mind and your whole soul. He wants you to trust him. He will show you the way. You are strong. You are capable. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You can stand and let the world see the miracles God can work through your story. So I agree with you when you say that you feel God is calling you to stand. Just not for this non-covenant marriage. If you believe that “in God’s timing he will rise up and move in my husband’s heart” then you know he can rise up and move in your first husband’s heart as well. You said that all you need to do is “remain faithful and continue with my counseling so that I can get the healing I need when restoration comes.” I agree wholeheartedly. Remain faithful and let the Lord heal you. Trust in Him and trust in his miraculous power to heal you, your “ex” and your marriage. The world will be astonished and more souls will be won…all because you had faith and the decided to Stand.

Nora

4/2/2020 10:49:15

Great article, as always. Keep up the good work, sister!

Brent

4/19/2020 20:16:04

This is a great blog! My wife and I are going through a divorce. She filed in October of 2019 and I can't be more in pain. We have three children (9, 4 and 1). She's been in a limerent affair for over a year and I try to be her safe place as much as I can but there have been times that I have been pushy, pleaded and begged. I know that is not attractive. So scared that this divorce will go through and what the future holds. I trust that god won't allow me to give up and there is a chance of reconciliation. I love that woman so much. I know that I wasn't a perfect husband but did provide and yearned for more love over the last year and a half. Please pray for us and hope I can get help, where possible. Thanks!

Melissa

4/22/2020 02:30:37

I need more help and understanding with this, I am the one that had the affair in our marriage, we separated once and quickly got back together. I was not prepared what he needed from me to heal through that, I shut back down emotionally and become unattached he thought I was having the affair again I was not but he told me to leave again. We have now be separated again for a year and I am completely healed from Christ, have been restored within a couple months after leaving which is what I missing from the first time. We reconnected again somewhat but stayed separated but now he is still pushing for divorce saying it’s all my fault, I have tried to share with him scripture of forgiveness but he still refuses stating this is what I wanted so he is giving it to me. Am I to just stand back and not fight for my marriage? I don’t fully understanding “standing” does that mean waiting quieting no contact? He does know where I stand that I want to repair our marriage but people tell him he would be crazy. Please help explain what standing means

Shannon Williams

4/24/2020 09:37:34

I would love to receive an email from you and/or support from others who are committed to their stand.

Missy

4/24/2020 19:39:57

Hi Christine, I had just learned about learned about standing for my marriage when I found your website.
And here's my story
So, I was in a long distance relationship with my husband., then I got pregnant and then he decided to marry me, and of course I said yes.
But before we could formalize the marriage we started having problems. Please note that he had already taken me to his parents and everyone else in his family, so it was very well known that we're married, though not legally yet!
So when my baby was around 3 months old, I found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend and I asked him about it , and out of nowhere he actually ended our marriage saying that she came into his life before me, and that he loves her and that I was only just his other woman.
It Hurts me and its been months the pain keeps on hurting me I don't know how to stop feeling this way.
So I'm just wondering if standing for this marriage is really worth it because:
1. He's abroad, we barely talk and see each other, I feel like we don't have a chance
2. The girl he left me for is also abroad!
3. He says that he hates me and he'll never come back toe
4. He's made me look like the bad guy to his friends and some relatives
5. He says he hadn't thought this marriage this through
6. He has given this girl much power such that she even textd me telling me how I suck at treating a man and keeping him. It hurts so much for him discussing personal issues about our marriage with her.
7. He said he could not leave her because she's an orphan and he was her only hope
8. He doesn't feel anything for me
9. He says whenever we talk his anger awakens because his parents love me and they don't want to let me go
10. He barely checks on how the baby is doing. Maybe he moved on
But I still love him very much, I'd do anything to have my happy marriage back
I don't know what to do.
Should I just quit and move on?

Myriam

12/8/2020 22:32:12

He was never your husband. If there was no Godly union, a marriage to stand for never existed. Living together and having children is not the same as the institution of marriage, sealed by God, but rather fornication. That is why the heater of thorns prayer is solely saved for wives.

Sandra link

5/5/2020 14:14:42

My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years and we have had our ups and downs. In 2009 my husband began a relationship with a woman that he used to date in high school and that relationship went on for a little over 3 years. I was devastated but I did not give up. I prayed and cried for most of those 3 years. I can't say I was patient but I didn't give up hope that God would indeed mend our relationship. Miraculously after a little over 3 years their relationship ended and he returned to me and loved me completely. About a month ago I somehow received and email that was meant for her and I realized that it is starting all over again. He has been showing his love for me less often, telling me how unhappy he is and blaming me for being unhappy for almost the whole 30 years we have been together. I have been praying as hard as I can because I am not ready to give up but I feel so alone. And he is sending me mixed signals which is playing with my emotions. Sometimes turning to prayer is consuming me because I want to know more about God and how I should pray to return my husband once again to me. My friends and family have told me to leave him but I just can't do that. He is a good man but he has allowed evil to come between us. I don't want to give up.

Brock

6/9/2020 23:11:06

My wife and signed divorce papers in February. We’d been together 11 years married for almost 8. The last year I really shut down emotionally. She reached out to a high school boyfriend who was her first love. His wife had divorced him over 2 years ago. They are still in a relationship but she still reaches out to me from time to time. She moved out of our house into an apartment in December. I’ve been praying since January for God to restore our marriage.
I need to mention he was left a large amount of money which she says is not important to her. We have been intimate 3 times since signing divorce papers. I’ve told her that I want this to work and even suggested we go away for a week or so just to see how it would be. The next morning she says she needs time to figure out what she wants. I know she’s confused and if I’d never pushed her away in our marriage we wouldn’t be where we are. It’s just hard when she reaches out every few weeks then the next day she is confused and needs more time. I feel God has put this on my heart to stand but I just don’t want to used if that makes sense. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you for your time

Esther

6/13/2020 02:35:16

I am a stander. Rejoice marriage ministries have been the only support I have had with their daily emails, stories and video sermons and testimonies. Marriages are being annihilated all over this world. I am fighting for victory against the enemy so our testimony will give God all the glory and speak volumes to His restoration power. I am struggling for the last 2.5 years standing for my marriage. After reading the comments about the second marriage I am now totally confused. I was married to my first through a catholic marriage and we didn’t really know Jesus. After 25 years and three children he had an affair and told me he couldn’t do this anymore. I finally found the real Jesus drew closer to God more than ever. I am grateful because I change the course of me and my daughter’s future. I know God lead me to my now husband and unknowingly I married into a blended mess of a family. Really thought my husband was interested in serving the Lord full time but three years later while ministering to a woman, found out she went behind my back and seduced him and took him from us. Jezebel devoured our family like a scary movie and we were devastated.
Eventually he left her, begged me to drop the divorce he started and as soon as I did he stopped meeting me, spending time with me and only gave me one –two hours a week to meet. His brokenness is a big huge mess. He has no friends. He spends time trying to mend his past with his adult boys (21, 36, 38, 41) and the damage his ex did with his boys. I ministered to him and thought we were making some kind of progress but it is just such an uphill battle. His boys hate me because I took him away from him. They are not saved. They are only interested in what they can get from him and continue to make him feel guilty for whatever he did when they were younger. They have full control over him. If he returns to me they will stop communication and take the grandbabies away. He desperately craves the love from them and is afraid to move forward with me. I am standing because this was a covenant marriage. We both know Jesus. Now during this horrible quarantine time he won’t talk to me and barely communicate with me. All I wanted to do is ministry with my husband and live a simple life.
I continue to walk in unconditional love for my husband as it has to be from God. His brokenness got him here with me and no one else has ever stood by him like I have. His past keeps him bound with more abuse. This hurts so much but I will continue to honor my commitment until God says otherwise. I have faith what God brought together He will accomplish. So now, being completely exhausted and want to give up I am more confused than ever. After reading what you posted about a second marriage, I question everything and now what am I standing for and who am I standing for? You don't need to post. I am completely confused and was wondering if you could share your thoughts. Thank you, God bless you.

Dr. Christine Bacon

6/30/2020 17:35:36

Dear Esther,
I am so glad you found this website (and RMM. They are what taught me about standing so many years ago). Second, I am sorry you are hurting. Standing sucks and broken marriages hurt. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to start directly answering your questions.
I’m sorry that you are now confused considering you are standing for your second “marriage.” But that’s a good place to start my response.

My dear friend, as hard as this is, it doesn’t have to be confusing. God is pretty straight forward about his institution of marriage and his hatred of divorce. And in addition to hating divorce, he still doesn’t let us off the hook because Jesus himself, when questioned, said that “any man (person) who divorces his wife (spouse) forces him/her to commit adultery.” Oh and, by the way, “thou shalt not commit adultery.” It’s a sin. So there is no wiggle room left in his words. According to God and the bible, there is no such thing as a second marriage when one’s first and only spouse is still alive.

Before I continue, I want to stress that there is no judgement coming from me. I am a sinner saved by grace just like you are and am simply his ambassador in the field of marriage. It’s the mission he’s given me to offer clarity and wisdom to others in hurting and broken marriages and also to be a counter-cultural voice of Truth in a society that is trying to dismantle that truth—especially when it comes to marriage and the family. So, I’m on your team here. But I want to go back to your statement of “confusion” and say that it’s only confusing because you’re trying to apply the principles of standing for your marriage with a man who is not your husband in God’s eyes. Our stands must be for the spouse of our youth. Now, please don’t stop reading but hear me out.

You said that you were married for 25 years and had three beautiful children. Oh, what blessings they are! Like olive branches around your table. That’s a quarter of a century! I don’t know your covenant spouse’s name so I’ll call him John. Three children were created out of your marital love with John. I am so sorry he had an affair after all those years. Those are wretched and the pain incomprehensible. Affairs hurt not only the offended spouse, they hurt the entire family. His affair hurt your children—his children. That is sin. However, had he not sinned you likely would never have drawn as close as you have to God because of it. So, praise God for always finding a way to bring good out of evil “All things work to good for those who trust in God.” And yes, it absolutely did change the course of your life and your future (why just your daughter’s and not your other two children? Just curious.) In truth it actually changed the course of all five of your lives, just in many unforeseeable ways.

I will disagree though that “God” led you into your second marriage. God will never lead us into sin. God allowed you to find your second “husband” (I’ll call him Ron) because he gave you free will and would not hinder that free will. But to be clear, Satan is also very cunning and does his best to makes things appear as if they must have come from God when, in truth, it led us right into Satan’s snare. As you said with your own words you were “married into a blended mess of a family.” Does that sound like something an ever loving and merciful God would do? No. He seeks that you have life and have it abundantly.

Understand that God loves Ron too—and the women induced by Jezebel to tear you two apart. You enumerated a few of the details in that situation though most are usually not required. What I did learn from your details is that Ron, too, is married to a covenant spouse of his youth thus reminding you that your marriage to Ron never truly existed in the eyes of the Lord. He made a family with this woman and together their love created four fantastic sons. Now I am not here to tell you that marriage is easy for I surely know that it is not (read my book The Super Couple and see that my own marriage was painful and endured a near divorce). I do not know all the evil things Ron said and did to his wife, nor she to him, nor do I know the mean and hurtful things that took place in your marriage to John. We are sinful creatures. We say and do mean things. We hurt our spouses (some more than others) but that does not give us an escape clause from our vows. I sometimes wished it did. But if that were the case who would remain married? If we all ran at the first sign of pain there’d be no marriages remaining. Oh wait! We do run from our marriages at the first sign of pain (me included) an there are only few that seek to stay married today! So I would believe you if you delineated every mean thing your first spo

Ashley

6/20/2020 18:53:56

I have been standing for 5 yrs no contact. Please pray for me.

Dr. Christine Bacon

6/30/2020 17:37:16

I will pray for you Ashley. And if you'd like to talk further about standing give me a call. I can better support you that way.

Dr. Bacon

Swati

7/6/2020 00:51:34

I'm fighting for reconcilation in my marriage since a year. We have been separated physically with no contact from my husband. He has blocked me in all ways still I try to reach him but all my attempts go futile. We used to fight but he never told his expectations and his family interfered too because they never wanted me. I tried to work out but he never cooperated with me and threatened for divorce then . I was given silent treatment and was getting mad which made me took extreme step on self due to existential crisis of losing him and marriage. I survived thought but my husband eventually left me. I have been asking for chance as the fights we had was routine kind but then my husband started lying financial lies drinking which made it worse. Now I'm blamed for everything. He wants divorce and has told me he does not want patch up. But I want reconciliation. What should I do? I pray to God everyday to help restore and ask forgiveness. I read articles so that I can find some help. How do I reconcile as he is not interested even one percent.

Dana

7/7/2020 13:37:30

I am a stander. I have been standing for my marriage for a year and a half now. I have been through an attempt at divorce (my husband dismissed it), his two known affairs and physical abuse (we were separated). We have had several false starts. My heart hurts every day. My mind wonders. Wonders if this is all worth it. I love my husband. I don't know how he feels. I struggle everyday. I know I have grown so much but it hurts. I don't know how much longer I can stand.

Destiny

7/10/2020 22:11:28

Boy, different walks of life and problems but one enemy! I’ve been married to my husband 19 years now. We’ve had a very hard struggling marriage in which I didn’t realize how bad it was. I didn’t know I checked out and had no idea how to fix what was being yelled at me. So here we are 19 years and three children. One Of them about to graduate this year. I love the Lord and grew closer to Him the last five years, teaching my children the Lord as well. Husband grew up in church, I didn’t get saved til 14 and love church and the Lord. Married young, first time moving out of parents house, first time wife, then quickly became new mommy many many states away from family n friends due to military. I was a good wife til I had first child. I went into depression and seemed to not able or not knowing I didn’t come out of it. My relationship with Christ wasn’t solid or where it should of been to see the dangers In not being the godly wife and mother I should of been. He wasn’t solid with the Lord either. So two years ago the Lord showed me that he was having affair. I confronted him and he denied it. I finally had evidence it was true and kept it to myself and seeked God. Prayed...I was wanting God to change me. I started to and he finally found out that I knew and wanted to file and get out. He was shocked that I didn’t fold and want a divorce because of his long relationship affair. Which had been least four -six years long. So he moves out, moves out of state. I had no family round for hours. I leaned on the Lord to stay strong. I didn’t have support and I slipped and started talking to a guy, nothing physical but now I know it was wrong. Husband been gone three months and right when I started talking to guy, end of that week husband comes to visit. Which he had been coming to see kids every other weekend and would want me to join and it confused me. Finally that week he saw that I moved on because of the ring. He cried and couldn’t believe it. We talked and then he was saying he needed to make a choice of what he wanted. I left it up to him and didn’t beg. He finally found out bout the guy and he said what kind of relationship is that, I said we were just talking. He got jealous and told me that he wanted to move back and work on us. It threw me for loop and was scared. Finally I said ok...he was into me and loved me. Calling me and talked if we should move in together or wait and work on things. I was so excited and said move in. So he does...we are doing great. We both fell in our old habits and that was year and half ago. I had found little clues he was still talking to her. I confronted many times and he denied. Finally I caught him for good and he said he ended it. He said he needed to see a therapist and she said he needed to go end it in person. Confess and end it to heal. I was blinded by the fact he was home and with me. He went and realized he wasn’t thinking right. He came home and said they didn’t talk. I believe him...he goes again and only to be in the middle of what he wanted again. She completed this side and I completed other side. So after few meetings with that therapist she said he was a mess, won’t change in this marriage and needed to get out of it. Even said she is a believer of Christ and never opt for divorce but said I needed to divorce him. He says that he never wanted to marry me...he was pressured by his parents. That he never showed me love by doing special things. He never wanted to go to church. Been cheating on me from day one. Dealt with me and blew up every few months bout what he didn’t like. Says I was like a daughter cause I didn’t stand with him like a wife and fight and have conversations like adults. I was shy and didn’t like fighting. So I went along with what he wanted. I take blame in my way of handling it. That he wasn’t in love with me ever. Didn’t want to hurt my feelings by leaving me Cause I was to sweet. That he didnt want to be married And won’t remarry again. That I was never sexy, that everything I did irritated him. That he can’t think of any loving fun times with me. Has anxiety and grumpy when he gets close to home, takes it out on me and the kids. Not happy or ever been happy. Says loves God and believes but wants to do what he wants to do. Now he wants out, wants divorce and Here I am. He says I’ve been so loving and sweet through all this and didn’t deserve how he treated me all these years. That I should move on and find someone to treat me the right way and that would make him happy. I don’t want a divorce ...after all that, even him living a double life, he couldn’t run from God. Or hide, he may have hid from me but I still want us to start over and work on us. He said it has nothing to do with other women. She just made him realize he needed to be true to himself, be himself and not have to make

April

8/3/2020 11:05:17

My husband and I are in our 11th year of marriage. We were very young and were both unfaithful in the first few years. We both wanted to work things out after that. We started going to counseling and he quickly stopped coming and I went by myself. He was self medicating which I thought was due to ptsd. I was pregnant with our second child at this time. He told me he wanted to leave and then months later I was served paperwork. He eventually stopped going to work and had to be admitted to the hospital. He has to resign from his job and after that he was doing well we started going to church together again. He decided to no longer pursue a divorce. 8 years later now, there have been a lot of ups and downs. He goes through times of being a devout Christian and swings toward anger and drinking, smoking weed and just not being a good example to the kids. I have thought many times he might be bipolar because he would have manic episodes as well and is prone to depression but isn’t on any medication. He recently decided to “emotionally separate himself” from me. He started eating better and had to start rising his bike to work because he had gotten a DUI. got in better shape he’s doing better at work and mentally than he has in a long time and significantly cut down on drinking etc to become more sober minded. He attributes all these things to getting space from me. He does not want to seek counsel. He is planning on moving out very soon, first to stay with his dad and then get an apartment. He says he doesn’t hold anything against me from the past and has moved on and forgiven me but “there’s just some things that still mess with me and probably always will”. Tells me that he hates coming home and it hurts him to be here. He pretends that I’m not around when he’s interacting with the kids. He mentioned needing to sit down with the kids and tell them that things are going to be different and we aren’t going to live together anymore. He won’t just sleep on the couch. I am not ready to have that conversation with my kids. Everything started getting bad only about a month ago! He’s already splitting things up in his head, holidays, weekends, expecting me to get a job when I haven’t worked in over 19 years outside of our home. Telling me I can keep the car and not to take the kids to my family in a different state. His parents divorced when he was young and his dad told him to stay married at all costs. He thinks it will cost him his life to stay. That if we got help it would just be an endless cycle of misery until our youngest moves out and he leave, which I obviously wouldn’t want either. I don’t understand how he can do this now. It’s like he self medicated and never dealt with everything and now he just wants out. He says I am the reason for all the self medicating, but I don’t believe it. If he believes in God why doesn’t he think he can heal and get through this? He just wants to do what he wants. I know it’s just an excuse so he can justify his actions. It hurts because I thought we were past this and headed somewhere better.

cindy

8/10/2020 13:54:04

I have been separated for 14 months, and my husband file for a mediation divorce. I'm asking God how should I respond to this, I don't want a divorce, but on the state they will give it to him after one separation. I don't know if should respond back with ground of adultery or just agree with him with the one year of separation. I just want follow God direction. I will have to respond since he is asking me to pay his lawyer.

Elm

8/11/2020 23:20:12

But what when you can’t stand any more? I was standing for my marriage and my spouse for 7 years. The emotional abuse. The controlling, demanding, manipulating lies designed to hurt me and isolate me from my loved ones. I stood for it. The sexual abuse. I allowed it. I was trying so hard to conform my attitude into a submissive Christ like servant. I was prepared to continue serving my master and husband until my death. I knew that it was a covenant for worse even unto death. Death wasn’t coming soon enough. Panic attacks six to eight times a day. I prayed for death and begged Jesus to take my life soon. I considered suicide. I considered divorce. I chose divorce. I can’t stand for my marriage anymore. God if you want it fixed you will have to do it. I can’t. Thank God for the Provision of divorce. Without it I would have no hope. He hates divorce and only allowed it because our hearts were hard. I prayed for softer hearts in our marriage to lead to reconciliation but every time I turned my heart toward my spouse I was just inviting and allowing more abuse. How do you do it? How do I stand for my marriage now?

12/8/2020 07:33:13

I completely understand what you are saying. I dated my husband long distance for several years before we finally married. I was all set to leave my home and move 900 miles away to be with him. He was controlling from the beginning and very superficial. God showed me the signs and my close friends and family tried convincing me to not marry but I did and endured a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. Right before I was set to move my ex husband unleashed on me over the phone and I won't get into details but it really made me put a hold on moving. He sent me separation papers. I asked him to go to counseling and he refused saying the problems were all my fault for not being submissive enough. We basically divorced after many months of praying and fasting. That was over a year ago. I have prayed daily for his conviction because I would have moved had it not been for the abuse and control over everything. My appearance was his main focus and constantly criticized and ridiculed me for not meeting his standards. Today I feel dejected and downtrodden. He still lives 900 miles away from me and has completely cut me out of his life. He has lost weight and is looking better than before the divorce. I don't know whether to continue praying for him and the reconciliation of our marriage. I don't talk about it to anyone because everyone tells me to forget him. A family member is trying to introduce me to a new man which I resisted. What do I do?

Shana

8/21/2020 20:18:59

You know all day everyday I go up and down with this. I can do this. Then it's I can't do this. God forgive me because I want to give up. I trust you God so I'll do this. 20 mins later.... God I cant do this. If I remain this way they will just think they can abuse me. I'm worth more than this. I don't want to do this. Maybe God didn't ask me to do this I made this up. No that's a lie from the enemy. Recently I guess my spouse got into some trouble. He asked me if he has to go to prison do whatever I can to get him out. Even if that means selling my car. I'm sorry guys but the thought of me having to come get him after he abandoned us the thought alone upsets me and has caused such turmoil within. Why do I have to help (even though I would) why can't the woman you been staying with help you. Why is it that he messed up and I have to sensitive. I'm a stander but sometimes I feel like a huge push over like my kindness is being used from some sense of desperation. I don't like that. Maybe it's all just the enemy creating doubt. I'm having such a hard time doing this I feel God is tired of my wishy-washy behaviour. I'm going to do what God ask no matter how I feel but it hurts. Pray for me guys

Dana Marie Freeman

8/25/2020 11:05:39

Sounds like we have similar situations. Only, I did bail him out. Twice. Its hard. Difficult to say the least. I am on a bond for him and he is God only knows where doing God only knows what.

patricia

9/4/2020 00:05:23

Was married twice, divorced twice and got engaged to a third man but withdrew when i felt increasingly that I was on a road that led further from God and truth. So I have returned home to the daughter I left behind and the grand child I barely know. First husband is remarried at this point. Wonder if you know about the blog 7 Times around the Jericho Wall by Standerinfamilycourt? if not you might want to have a look,

Angela Bender

9/5/2020 11:06:40

I am a STANDER. My marriage is at it's worst possible place right now but I believe nothing is impossible for my GOD. I will pray for my prodigal spouse. I even pray for the other woman who is deceived by the enemy. GOD I pray this situation turn around. It is VERY hard. JESUS strengthen me to endure to the point of breakthrough please....

9/24/2020 15:07:39

I am standing for my marriage of 13 years. My husband told me last night he is done. We had a marriage counseling app scheduled for next week and he declared to me he did not want to go and would not be going. Because we have children we are remaining in the home but will function more as roommates. He’s said he’s done and tired of trying but I am trying my best to trust God in this, knowing He has the final say. I acknowledge I made some mistakes and I’m taking the steps to address my person issues that caused me to make poor decisions that have negatively affected our marriage. So here I am, standing for my marriage.

John M

9/27/2020 16:45:38

My wife of 24 years wants a divorce. She feels that she needs to work on her issues but wants to do it outside of our marriage. She committed adultery and asked for a divorce about 5 years ago. I stood and we reconciled. However, the changes that I made that got her back last time were not long lasting and now she is stuck and wants out. I understand that I messed up with my behavior. I was emotionally unavailable to her and didn’t love her the way God intended. She is done. I have asked God to take care of us both and if his will is to be done, then we will reconcile. I have been presented with a job out of state and feel like this is God’s way of giving us the space that he needs to work on us individually. I struggle with how long to wait for her to soften her heart.

Dan

9/30/2020 10:23:25

I would like to tell you a story about Faith, Family, & why God is our living hope. My wife’s father was a drug selling alcoholic, her parents divorced when she was 13, she started attending my church the same year (when she was 13). I started dating her a when she was 15 (I was 17), we both are (were?) saved and spirit filled, we got married May 7th, 2005, we have 3 beautiful daughters, ages 13, 11, & 8 (soon to be 9).
A week before my 15th Wedding Anniversary my wife exploded my life with basically ‘I’m out’ and never looked back. While everyone’s reality was breaking from covid (prolonged here in Michigan with our Governor) my life was decimated, betrayed, & broken by the person I love most on this earth.
She told me I was gone to much with my ‘guy’ best friend and she cited communication breakdown why she was leaving. I told her the bible says divorce in the bible is adulty, abuse, or if the unbeliever departs let them depart. 1 of my biggest passions in life is family history, I am all about family, loyalty, & integrity. This has devastated my life, for the first 7 weeks she was gone all the time and would return home about midnight with kids asleep in the vehicle, she’d have slumber parties in my oldest daughter’s bedroom or in our basement and wouldn’t talk to me no matter how hard I tried to reach her.
She told me she’d missed out on too much in life but wouldn’t define what that meant. No one was allowed to go to church because of covid but our church was open, I made the decision to return to church and I was taking the dog out before I left Father’s day morning, her van was packed with household goods. God gave me 2 dreams that night, 1 that she was moving out, the other that she would return. The day after Father’s day she moved out to the boonies in a camper, she took my daughters, she told them how much better life would be without me.
I cannot explain in words what the feelings have been like to be gutted while you’re still alive trying to breathe and believe the promises of God at the same time. She hates camping, hates campfires yet she lived it for 3 months from June until school started in September. I had to take her to court to get my access regularly to my kids. I received in snail mail on July 3rd (while I had my kids for the 4th of July) the divorce papers she filed.
Our divorce trial/finalization is January 4th, 2021, I get the reality of the legal timeline. However, God told me like 1 Samuel 30, like David, we will recover all supernaturally. For all the hell I have lived & endured, I still believe firmly that the promises of God are yes, & amen. I will not waiver in believing that he is still yet performing our miracle that she’ll see the light of her own salvation and return her heart to God & home.
In saying all of this, God highlighted this counseling intensive to me, I believe this is the path to take when she does return home. I realize that I’m speaking in faith to you, some would consider this all hypothetical but I believe this intensive will happen she is humble before God & chooses her own salvation, only then can God work in our marriage for healing.
I’ve laid all of me down before God in pursuit of her, I contact her at least every 48 hours in love, mercy, & forgiveness because my family is worth all of me. Having done all stand, and physically I’ve done all I can, so I continue to partner with the Holy spirit everyday in prayer for her.

I wanted to put this here so I can come back & give a praise report when God is able to manifest our miracle in her heart. I did get your voicemail Dr. Bacon & I'll return it soon.

Shelly Porter

10/3/2020 16:32:15

I have been separated from my husband for 4 years, divorced for 2. We were married for 28 years. The loneliness is overwhelming some days. My husband has not wanted anything to do with me after a false start in 2017. He has lived with the OW for four years. I'm starting to give up hope

Jason Ring link

10/8/2020 14:08:27

Wow, thank you for such a great piece of encouragement! I had no idea that "standing" or being a "Stander" was a thing. I had waveringly committed to it myself prior to reading this article but kept getting whispers from Satan or others (even Christians) that I should just chalk my marriage up as a loss and "move on"......because God can't fix broken people or marriages? Really? It didn't make any sense!

Now I have some ammunition and I am going to use it!

My first wife and I were together since we were 17 and including our "together" years and marriage, we were together for 29 years when she passed away from cancer...leaving me with three kids....two of whom are autistic. Life was about to get really tough.

Shortly thereafter, I met a widow who lost her husband three weeks prior to my wife's passing. We lived on opposite sides of the country. We fell in love instantly. We were engaged three months later and then married 13 months after that though we would live together until 5 months later when my kids and I moved across country to join her and her two teenage daughters.

My new wife and I had communications issues and worse, we had to deal with a low functioning autistic boy who could be aggressive. My wife knew the challenge ahead of her. We had had some pretty big fights....yelling and saying un-Christ like things to one another but we would always mend them. She even wrote me once that "we can weather any storm if we do it together" after a particular fight in which she admitted she was wrong.

This past Summer she decided that we couldn't weather any storm.....that we couldn't do all things through Christ....that there was a limit to what she could do....and she couldn't do any more. She blamed the divorce on my oldest boy in particular and said "I can't do this".

The divorce was swift and left my children and I destitute. We got rid of everything when we left California and our "irretrievably broken" marriage settlement had us moving out of her house, with almost nothing. We did this last week. We jump state lines....didn't go all the way back to our old home.....God wanted me to stay close to my wife....because she is STILL my wife in His eyes. Even she knows this. We are still "together", but we are legally divorced. It is the oddest thing ever. This doesn't lessen any of the pain...it is TREMENDOUS. I had no say in what happened. She wanted my kids gone, and thus I had to go too. She couldn't accept the "worse" part of for better or for worse and made it into something a whole lot WORSE! My goodness.....having lost a spouse to cancer, this....the divorce is WAY MORE PAINFUL.

Having given just a little background, I am here to say that I cannot, and will not give up. My marriage to my wife is valid in God's eyes. I know my wife knows this and I pray for God to change me so I can be the spiritual leader she needs me to be. I fear SHE will move on, but I have no control over that. All I can do is love her...every day as long as she allows me too.

We talk every day....we text. I send love notes. We pray together at bedtime......every night. All is not lost, but the finish line (if we get married again) seems nowhere in sight. I have to change a lot about me.....that I can control. I have to use these times of loving her, for God to break through the hard parts that she built so that the Holy Spirit can do what I cannot do. I am going to meditate and pray about the things I have read here and will do it daily until God heals my broken marriage!

Melanie

10/30/2020 12:08:02

While my time frame has been short (only 3 months) I continue to stand and pray for the reconciliation of my marriage. Besides burying my baby, this has been the hardest, more heartbreaking thing I have ever gone thru.
He continues to tell me that "you never know what might happen" "things have a way of working out" but in the same breath me will say that I need to move on with my life. It is all so confusing and mind numbing. There are days that I think I can't take another step and then there are days that I feel like I can move mountains (although those don't come very often)

Robert Larivee

11/16/2020 22:53:54

Dear Christine,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

I am now 56 years old and married for the third time. I still considrer it a miracle and not a mistake.

My first wife left me for several other men. I stood for reconcillation for several years until she remarried.

My second wife left me for an usher at church. After standing for 2 years, even after divorce, she too remarried.

Everyone thought me a fool for marrying a thrid time. Yet I beleived her when she said she would never do to me what the other two did.

After 4 years or so she called me into the bedroom one day to tell me I had a year to fulfill her demands or she was out the door. It would seem that this move was prompted by her so called So Baptist Deacon father who was a medler and divisive just months after he gave her away to me at the altar.

Over the last 6 years she has filed for divorce 3 times now. 3 years ago she bought her own home, moved out and filed for divorce the second time. Prior to her moving out she began drinking. I stood then and she eventually returned home a year ago.

A few months ago, she drank almost a gallon of wine in a 1 to 2 hour period of time. I awoke at 1AM to find her past out. Concerned I went to check on her. After finding her alive, I spoke to her. She ended up taking offense to something I said and attacked me. I tried to enlist her fathers help three times over the next 8 hours, only to be blamed and falsly accused of attempting to take our 8 year old son away.

I felt I had no recourse but to seek teh help of our community's family services. I was asked what I wanted. I said simply to keep my family together and see my wife get help for her drinking becasue it was getting worse. It was decided to contact her employer, the county sheriff. When she found out she moved out vowing divorce. She now faces, most likely, criminal charges in the coming days. She has not guilt, remorse, contrition, sorrow or repentance for her actions.

In the last few months she has come up with some skewed theological views and several different reasons for divorce, including but not limited to our marriage not being recognized by God becasue it is adulterous.

She arrived a this conclussion 6 years ago because she recanted her beilief that her ex-husband committed audultry and thus our getting married was an act of adultry and God was punishing her. She says that the only way for her to regain God's favor is to divorce me.

Counselling with 5 differnet pastors from various backgrounds over the last 6 years, she has been told that this view is incorrect, and even if it is, and her conscience condemns her, they have prayed 1John1:9 with her, yet she continues to come back to this point.

A few weeks ago I found out she inappropritately disciplined our son. Family services warned me if I did not act I would be in trouble for not protecting our son. I filed for a temporary restraining order. She found out and filed last week for divorce for the third time. At time of filing she filed for and emergency hearing to obtain an order to take custody of our son, limit me to supervised visitations and forced into a batterer's treatment program. Her basis was I was a controlling religious nut that was brainwashing our son.

I did prevail in court just as God spoke through Psalm 70 earlier in the day. I also walked away beleiving the two of us were put on trial as to whether we were Christians or not. I was found guilty of bing one. Yet my wife seemed to be found guiltyof not being one, lying to the Court, embelishing the truth, and denying Christ incarnate and His infallable word. When my wife gets drunk she can not remember what she did. Her recollection of the events of that night was incomplete. The investigating deputy has said that her own statement to him supports my description of the events.

The judged decided to have us both investigated by CPS. Her, for physical abuse and me for mental and emotional abuse becasue I am a controlling religious nut.

Sorry if this is too much information, but it is only the surface. I wanted to let you know why I am saying I am "weak in the knees" from all the punches this old guy has taken through 3 marraiges and the events that have unfolded over the last few weeks, especially last week.

My wife is either a non-beleiver or under demonic attack. I view her as not an enemy but a victim. When I ask the Holy Spirit to search me and know me, and make known anything in my heart not pleasing to Him, I found an umexplainable hope and love for her in my heart. The Lord led me to that verse in Romans, "Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us", as the reason for the love I have for her.

In humility and humbleness, I can not stand any longer, I need at least a place to sit. I also need help to keep my arms raised to the heavens in worship to God so that battle will go well. (Exodus 17)

Prayers coveted beyond measur

Kay

11/19/2020 07:33:56

What does one do if their spouse has filed for divorce, living with the OW, and has been verbally, emotionally and verbally abusive for years? Does God want us to stand when our spouse is a narcissist? I don't have any desire at this point to be with another man. And I can't imagine allowing another man into my heart only to destroy my life as this person has done. He was the only man I was ever with and now he has disposed of me like a piece of trash. Should I stand???

Robert Larivee

12/19/2020 11:44:30

Dearest Kay,

STAND!

I am trusting your calling your spours a narcissist is not your own self-analysis. I caution anyone not to practice psychology and or psychiatry without a license, It is a crime every where I know of. Most of all it is not Christ like.

Now, if this label is true for him, allow me to encourage you with this. In the book of Daniel, you will find what some have concluded, the story of a man, Nebuchadnezzar, who was healed of narcissism.

If God can reach Nebuchadnezzar. If he can reach this guy named Saul (renamed by teh Lord Paul), He can reach your husband and my wife.

STAND! We will stand with you.

Lynn

12/2/2020 12:26:37

Today’s supposed to be the day that I’m going to file for my divorce. My husband’s been having an affair for 3years now. I have done every possible way I could to save my marriage. Those 3years we are off and on. He comes see me and the kids on his free time and still tries to be a father and husband when he’s around but goes back to his apartment with his OW. I cannot to this any longer. I want to move on and move forward with my life. I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore that’s why I want to end our marriage. I believe God will honor my request because he’d seen all the pain that this marriage had caused me. For me it’s not worth saving anymore unless God turns it around someday. I know that there is nothing impossible to God but in the meantime I just want to break free from the bondage of the pain. Which I know God has been helping me to overcome each day goes by. My husband still tells me he loves me but his action speaks louder than his words. I guess I’m not brave enough to be a “Stander”. I don’t know if God is speaking to me that I came across this blog the day before I’m going to officially end my marriage.

Robert Larivee

12/19/2020 11:56:03

Dearest Lynn,

I fully understand your hurt & pain.

In my first marriage I found out my wife was cheating. I was told to end it. I wanted to do God's will. I searched the Scriptures from Genesis to Revelation for a way out of my marriage. What I found that the two allowable reasons, adultry and unbelief, where allowable reasons, yet it was still God's will to hang in there. I found more reasons in the Scriptures to hang in there a fight through prayer

My I encourage you to search "the Scriptures daily to find out whether these things were so", Acts 17:11.

I have pasted links to two sites that offer advice on prayer and knowing the will of God.

http://server.firefighters.org/kjv/projects/firefighters/kjv_web/Prayer/Prayer01.mp3

https://www.georgemuller.org/devotional/how-i-ascertain-the-will-of-god

michael

12/25/2020 23:17:19

My name is Michael. I'm a cradle Catholic. I truly believe in for better or worse. It will be 14 yrs. Jan. 17 that my wife left me. I miss her very much. I take care of my mom, she has dementia. My whole family was my wife and mom. I have a very long story about my marriage and standing. I'd like to tell you but I have to tell you all of it for you to fully grasp what happened to much typing for me. Please pray for me my wife and my mother.

Michael

Ann Koshy

1/13/2021 17:11:00

Hi Dr Bacon,
I stumbled upon this article when i was searching for " why my life turned out to be this way". You are my only hope to answer my marriage and faith related question. My apologies if it is a long boring post. I will try to be as brief as possible.

Dr Bacon, I am an Indian catholic christian woman who got married to an Indian catholic christian man. We had a traditional arranged indian marriage. We have had issues with our views on life from day one of marriage. He hated my parents because they were not as loving as his parents. I wished for a friend in my hsuband and he wished for typical traditional christian woman who considered the husband and his family above anything in my life, including my family. We have 2 kids, 1 yr and 3 yrs. We have had ongoing issues for the last 8 yrs for various things. I am an emotional x 10 times type of woman that i cry at the drop of a hat. He is a very practical man and he can get verbally aggressive to any extent. I have left home 8 times, but returned at my own accord all the time. There has been no physical abuse, but verbal abuses to each other. Finally I left home 11 months ago with 2 kids, now renting in a house. I have attempted reconciliation in the last 10 months, multiple times, which he has declined stating he wants me to write few conditions and signs for him ( everything is my fault, I did everything as a retaliation, post nuptial agreement etc). There has been altercation between my parents and his parents which he has not been able to forgive and can never forget. I am so lost that I don not want my marriage to go down the drain. I have 2 small kids. I want to give them a stable family. I do not believe in second marriage. I want to stand for my marriage. But, How long? Now talks for child care arrangements are ongoing, next will be property settlement and finally, probably he will apply for a divorce (i am assuming). Where to from here Dr Bacon? I want to save my marriage. My emotional vulnerability brought me to this stage and I wish i reacted differently to many situations in my marriage. I was so immature and he had anger issues. Our core values in a marriage doe snot match. He said " you loving me and "our family" is WORTH NOTHING TO ME" . Please guide me how to stand for my marriage? How can I re gain trust, make him realize the value of a family and re build a family? Your support is much appreciated.

Tracie

1/17/2021 19:39:42

Thank you for this blog! I have felt so alone in this for over a year now. I was unfaithful to my husband and left to be with my affair partner over two years ago. God redeemed me and changed my heart back towards my husband over a year ago. I have completely changed my life, work on a becoming a safer/better me on a daily basis, help other women through group work who have been unfaithful and are trying to stay in their marriages, have completely transformed my life with Christ. My husband is still struggling with whether or not to pursue reconciliation. He has not filed for divorce and at times pulls closer to me, he will also pull away for weeks if not months at a time. I feel so alone at times but I know that God wants me to stand for our marriage. I did a random search of the internet and found your site, to my amazement. I have not yet ran across many in a similar situation and so it is nice to know that I am not alone. I think you are completely right about my marriage being an idol. I really struggle with what I need to do in standing. Do I set boundaries in my marriage or do I just follow my husband's lead? I do want him to know that I love him and support him and want us both to heal. It really hurts when he pulls closer and then pulls away again. What I did was not okay and I am working diligently to be safe for both of us. I just don't know how to navigate these uncharted waters.

Ann

1/24/2021 19:44:48

John Pusateri

1/28/2021 21:00:43

Dr Bacon,

Thank you for being a strong woman of Christ. It is wonderful to see such power, love and faith coming from you and the many that have written on your blog. The world needs an understanding of what a true Stand for marriage means and the people that we are.
I have been married for 17 years and have three girls 11, 13, 15 years old. My wife had started on a path of allowing Satan to rule her life about a year ago or maybe longer. She became enraged and bought her own house and moved out in August. Pushed me into a custody order, I tried getting her to cancel it but she would not. We agreed on an equal split of time and no monetary exchange. It still is tough on the kids.
My wife and I were getting along great from Oct-Dec, intimacy even came back into our relationship even though we live in separate houses By mid December she went total dark and her anger and bitterness just came raging out. She blames me for everything, won't co-parent and won't engage in any kind of conversation with me. Just yesterday 1/27 I was served with divorce papers. Of course all the things I prodigal can say she certainly has said. Even said God is telling her this is her path.
I have tried everything in my power to reconcile, ask her to re-engage and so on but with no avail. So, in my walk with Christ and strengthening my relationship with Him I have learned that I am not the one that can save my marriage by my worldly efforts and have probably been in the way. What I have learned is that God is in control. I have released my wife to Him and working on my walk.
I am completely committed to my covenant vow to my wife and the Lord. I will "Stand" in the Gap for my marriage and be obedient to our gracious God until He provides healing. Oh, it may be a long road ahead with many very hard hard times but it really is what I signed up for when I said "I do".
To all you "Standers" out there and those of you that are not sure if you can "Stand" or can't take it any more. Please, Stand, please wait on our loving God. Read and learn and listen and find quality fellowship but please "STAND" and show the world who you really are in Christ! I will be Standing with you!
Love and prayers to all of you!!!

Robert Larivee

2/6/2021 14:26:05

Brother John,

You definetly are not alone. I share a very similar situation, as well as others I know of.

I beleive God allows us to exaust our human efforts in order finally recevie the benefits of His efforts alone. Unfortuantely I must confess that I often think my human efforts are exhausted, but then it is revealed I am still trying to bring about the will of God in my own efforts, ala Moses.

Since we both have chidren, allow me to share the ecouragement I received. That is, "Remember, your kids are watching you, both of you. Watching how you both deal with the situation." Best example we can set for them is standing through prayer.

Praying for you brother!

Lollynickie

1/30/2021 04:48:41

Thank you for this encouragement! My husband seems to be totally demonized, and he totally acts as if we weren’t married or better yet like I’m some stranger that baby sits his children. Marriage is in divorce process since he filed. it’s been a wild whirl wind of events seems like he’s running for his life and totally obsessed with his new woman (office lady) from work. Anyhow I stand on Gods word and it’s amazing that no one dares to believe this is okay to stand and hope in Gods word. I have prayed for the covenant and will continue to! however the man is a stubborn mule so prideful please keep us in prayer.

Robert Larivee

2/6/2021 23:22:35

Standers Community,

Can I get you all to pray for me? I am struggling. I am growing weary of the continued bombardment of false accusations and hostility from my prodigal wife. It is wearing on me, exhausting me.

Thank you

John Pusateri

2/23/2021 13:42:54

Robert Larivee,

I will be praying for you. You were called by God to Stand in the gap for your marriage however long it takes. I will pray for a swift and mighty reconciliation and restoration. Be strong in God my brother in Christ!!!

2/11/2021 00:44:27

Dr Bacon I have read your literature about standing numerous times. It has been helpful. I have been feeling like giving up on my stand. I have been separated from my husband for 7 years. Throughout that time we had one additional child and he has one child from his initial infidelity and now another child from a recent relationship. I feel he will never change. I have carried on an intimate relationship off and on over this time frame and regret that because often I feel he doesn’t deserve me in that way when he abandoned his family and had done nothing for us in 7 years. I feel like should give up.

2/27/2021 13:49:09

Well, I have what must seem to be an impossible situation . I have been standing going into my 9th year . My husband divorced me in 2014 and he just married the other woman in November 2020. We have a 17 year old daughter who has been my biggest supporter from the start. I have had a lot of traumatic events happen recently , including, my hospitalisation for six weeks as well as an emergency surgery.and the loss of our beloved dog who has been instrumental in our healing . Lately, I question myself . Throughout my stand, The Lord has sent me supernatural signs for encouragement, some too amazing to comprehend . He has blessed my daughter & I so many times too numerous to mention. I guess, I just need encouragement. God Bless

Robert Larivee

3/6/2021 19:25:02

Keep standing SB! For GREAT is you reward in Heaven!

3/22/2021 18:24:45

Robert,
Thank you so much for your kind words God Bless you !

3/20/2021 22:39:18

I am in the same boat, except their remarriage has lasted longer. I often feel ridiculous. Earlier there were spiritual indications of my stand being divinely motivated, but the self-doubt is torturous as I wonder if my desire for reconciliation is tainted by personal failings. Right now I'm simply trying to rebuild my life into something that will either stand by itself or see a miracle of reconciliation. Like Dr. Bacon says, avoid curiosity of the here and now since it could be misleading and cause despair. I'm so glad you have had miraculous blessings. I'll try to remember you in prayer since I'm doing so more than ever. Holler in prayer for me once in awhile, too, as I chase the record books for post-divorce reconciliation :)

3/22/2021 18:36:35

Hi GJ,
Dr Bacon is right , we have to resist the curiosity bug because we have to focus on God not our circumstances. I think it is important to remember what we see in the natural is temporal and what is unseen, eternal. I am in a place in my stand where I wait expectantly( I am a prisoner of hope) but also I know whether or not my suddenly happens I will have a joyful and blessed life . Stop questioning yourself and trust The Lord. There is nothing we have done or will do in the future that The Lord doesn’t know about . Keep standing, friend and I will holler out to God on your behalf! God Bless,

Renee

3/8/2021 17:06:04

I am standing for my marriage, but have grown so weary. I was the unfaithful one, but the entire time I was away, felt God drawing me home. My husband served me divorce papers on my birthday (not intentionally) and they’re due this week. I do not want to sign them because I don’t agree with divorce.

I keep standing but am growing so weary. I’m fighting the notion of “reality” and what I believe God wants. His mother and I have talked and she is also praying for restoration and reconciliation, but I can’t fathom the thought of living my life without my husband. I have a hard time thinking that God called me home to lock me out.

Please pray with me.

Annie

3/17/2021 22:10:53

If I found Jesus years after I was married to a Jewish man, does God still want to save my marriage or is he freeing me to be with a Christian man? My divorce began three months after I converted and I think it was the enemy who struck us hard after I found Jesus. He latched onto my poor husband who does not believe in God. But I prayed intensely and God put it on hold and moved us back in, but it was a false start. Now the divorce will continue. Will God still save my marriage if we weren’t Christian during our wedding? I moved out last year after my husband initiated our divorce. One month later we started to reconcile due to my prayers! We put the divorce on hold and moved back in five months later all thanks to the Lord! But it was a false start and my the enemy won’t allow my huusband to move on from things in the past. I was a horrible wife before I found Jesus! And my horrible behaviors are traumatizing to my husband and he no longer wanted to continue marriage counseling. He now wants me to move out again and continue with the divorce. But now that I read the Bible more, I found scripture saying a wife should not separate from her husband. What do I do if he is kicking me out but the end of the week? I know God heard my prayers and allowed the divorce to be put on hold and moved us back in, but now it seems hopeless. Does God still want to save my marriage if it wasn’t a Christian marriage to begin with?

Greg

4/24/2021 05:52:50

Dear sister Annie,
I’m a guy who is facing an unwanted divorce without biblical ground and I saw your post, I’m sorry for what is happening to you and you are confused. If you do not have a dedicated time to study the Bible, you must do it, it will be the best thing happens in your life. Allow me to explain to you that it doesn’t matter you are Christians or not when you get married, God created marriage and commanded that husband and wife are to be one flesh and no men can separate, divorce with no biblical ground is sinful and an abomination to God despite you are Christians or not, this applies to all the commandments and laws of God also. For the saving marriage part, I hope you can understand that God never promised a good marriage, marriage is a covenant and we made vow in the presence of the creator, the Lord of Lords, the everlasting almighty Holy God, so the most important thing in this is not to break a vow once you vowed before our Lord, you will find out how severe it is when you break a vow in the Holy Bible, also the teaching in the Bible tells us it Is better to never make a vow because our sinful flesh always tend to break the vow and offend our Lord. Being a reborn is to obey and seek every opportunity to glorify our Lord, true believers are able to do this not by their own strength but through the grace God bestowed onto us in Christ and with the help of the Holy Spirit. In my situation and yours, we should take heed to keep God’s commandments, by suffering for the sake of keeping His commandments can also be a form of glorifying our Lord, I know it is very hard and painful, but whenever I asked Lord to ease my pain and give me strength and wisdom to sustain, He always did and does and I have no doubt that He will do for He is faithful and full of mercy.
Perseverance creates character, there is no meaningless suffering and there is no coincidence, our God is fully sovereign. Let us take heart and courage and focus on Him, may we will not go astray and sin against God in this painful process. Allow me to share one thing I learned so far, read the Bible when you are helpless, hopeless, the Word is the source of life and truth, get on your knees and cry out to God whenever the pain and fear start to attack, pray for strength and wisdom and gaining understanding, this is what I do so far since the day my wife wants to end our 17 years relationship, it is so severe that I started to have suicidal thought first time in my life but God is so kind and full of love to be willing to sustain such a wicked and vile sinner like me, praise the Lord! I hope my comment can provide a little help dear sister Annie, grace to you in Christ our Lord and Savior, all glory and bless be our God.

Woody

3/24/2021 20:42:48

My wife and I have been married for over 32 years. She told me a few months ago that she was not happy and had lost trust in me. We have been separated for 5 months. I have always been a Christian man, but had never really invited the Lord to come into my heart. Because of this situation, I prayed and asked the Lord to come into my heart and change me. As a result, He has made positive changes in my life to become a better man. Our adult children said that they have seen the positive changes in me and desperately want my wife and I to reconcile. However, my wife can’t see any of these changes because she is not here. I have prayed my heart out and asked my wife to work with me on our marriage and give things a chance, but she adamantly refuses. I still love my wife, have admitted my mistakes, repented of my sins and have asked the Lord to open my wife’s eyes and soften her heart, but to no avail. My wife is easily influenced and I’m strongly convinced that she has friends urging her to divorce. It is getting harder each day to hold onto hope. My faith in the Lord and our kids is what keeps me going. I just wish that my wife would find it in her heart to give our marriage a second chance as divorce is a terrible thing. I do not think that the grass will be any greener on the other side for her. All prayers would be greatly appreciated.

John Pusateri

3/27/2021 19:00:36

Brother Woody,
God has wanted you to come to Him and now you have. Take comfort and trust in Him that He is working on your wife even when you cannot see it. Keep pressing towards God, so not stop praying for your wife and for your families sake do not ever give up. I will pray for you and your family and know there are many of us praying for you. Let God do His work and keep your faith.

3/27/2021 17:06:22

Dr. Bacon, I think I have just discovered I'm a Stander, and proud of it, even though most would think my desire for reconciliation after 26 years is ridiculous. Working backward from the last few days, my intermittent thoughts of reconciliation were spotlighted by the death of my Mother-in-Law. While praying for her repose, a light switch turned on that not only did I still love my ex husband, but everything was now forgiven. I think prayers helped in the spiritual realm. Despite wanting reconciliation, I NEVER EVEN CAME CLOSE to unconditional let alone any forgiveness for his quick remarriage and financial hurts. I pray for the continuation of this total remission, but I have never been even close to this point.

Working backwards, after my divorce I became a staunch advocate for marriage reconciliation among coworkers and friends.This is my saying...a difficult marriage may feel like a knife in your belly, but a divorce pulls out the knife and you discover a disemboweling hook attached.

After divorce I prayed for reconciliation and was taken aback by all the parties who said move on, you'll find someone, etc. Even without kids and being an extremely independent person, the horror of divorce became so clear to me. By the way, my sister reconciled with her husband (lived together but emotionally separate) a few years before his death at 92. She prayed hard for my reconciliation years ago, and we believe it helped THEM, never even seeing what was in front of her all this time, the possibility of reconciliation of her marriage.

I returned to the Church due to my divorce, and was given tremendous blessings as the prodigal daughter coming back to my faith after 20 years.

This feeling of forgiveness and hope that there may be restoration or reconciliation in some form is enthralling. I have read your tips for Standing and agree that curiosity of the here and now has no benefit and can just cause harm, as it has done for me.

Thanks for your extraordinary guidance, I'm so happy to have discovered your blog.

GJ

4/26/2021 08:55:56

Just found this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Standing for my marriage. Been living together, in separate rooms for over 14 months. Thursday 4/29 marks the 1 year since my wife said she believes she’s going to be happier not being married to me. Standing for my marriage, standing for my 3 kids, standing in belief that God can repair what’s broken.

Thank you for the encouragement.
Standing has not been easy.
Taking it one day at a time.
One moment at a time.

Keshia

4/27/2021 08:25:04

I am a stander. My husband filed for a divorce. I heard God tell me to trust him. But this pain I feel is hard. I don’t want my marriage to end but my husband do. I don’t want to accept what he did. But it hard to keep standing.

Robert Larivee

5/1/2021 22:13:59

Dearest Sister,

We feel your pain and no one more than than our Lord and Savior.

"Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;" - Is 53:4a

Jesus said 19 times, "follow me." Follow Him sister. Even down this road of suffering. For sown this road you will grow to know Him better. It is the sign that you have been called by Him.

Your standing is complying to Paul's request to Rome, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."

Be that living sacrifice that our Savior was. Remember! He was innocent. He asked the Father to take the cup of suffering from Him, Yet qualified it with, "not My will, but Your will be done."

Just as it was His love for us that held Him there in agony upon a tree, so should we "follow Him" in doing the same for our stands. Let it be our proof of our true love for our spouse that fortunately does not willingly hold us to a cross but only asks us to stand.

Be strong and courageous in Him and know you are not alone. We stand with you!

Bridget

5/7/2021 11:30:33

Dear Dr. Bacon,

Thank you for the great work you are doing in the area of marriage restoration and reconciliation.
I am standing for my marriage but I continue to have doubts about my position. I filed for divorce from my husband after his emotional abuse and threats of harm to me and the children. He recently remarried a divorced lady and I often wonder if I should let go and move on with my life since he has apparently done so with his. Though I was filled with unforgiveness and bitterness about the way I was treated in the marriage, God has recently enabled me to forgive him and even pray for him. Sometimes I feel that I am being selfish in holding unto a relationship that has ended and other times I feel that I should fight for the husband of my youth. I do not believe that I can be an 'effective' stander if I have to constantly engage in this type of battle in my mind.

Oscar lizano link

5/8/2021 02:37:21

I cheated , abused my wife emotionally and physically, we only been married almost 3 years and we have no kids but I have kids of my own that she took like it was hers .

After many attempts to change with Jesus , I failed but this last one I felt I truly changed , but it was too late , she had enough of it and didn’t beleive my change and went back to dating a guy and claims to love him .

I cry every day and every night , we been separated for two months now and she blocked me off everything and now has a restraining order , I will stand in hopes she comes back and God softens her heart . I miss her so much . Everything reminds me of her . I can’t live with my own regrets of taking Her for granted . I messed up so bad and I hope she comes back one day .

Arlene Gutierrez

5/10/2021 21:20:50

I am a stander. It's been 8 months since he left me for his gf. He's living with her now. He had cheated on me about 5 years ago and I couldn't forgive him. I became angry and distant. He did the same until he found someone to give him attention. I finally gave it to God and asked forgiveness for being an ungodly wife. I begged my husband's forgiveness to no avail. He is dredging up the past and speaks mean and hateful things. I was praying for reconciliation but realized I needed to pray for strength and guidance. I needed to pray for God to change my heart. I can honestly say I forgive my husband with all my heart. I would welcome him home right now if he said he wanted to come back. He and his gf are in my prayers. My faith is strong and there have been times I wanted to give up but then my pastor will give a sermon about relationships. Or I'll be studying the Bible and come across a verse about loving one another. I even watched a prayer video on YouTube about marriage restoration and there was a sign on the wall that says Honey Bunny, that is my pet name for him so I know God is speaking to me and telling me not to give up. I pray for continued strength because it has been so difficult. I refuse to give up. I just can't.

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Dr. Christine Bacon is a communication and relationships expert whose articles seek to encourage, inspire and teach others to become the best versions of themselves possible. Here, she offers valuable insights and advice on matters of personal, couples, family and workplace relationships.

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