Standing for Reconciliation in Your Marriage

I Am A Stander

7/28/2018

Image of woman standing atop a mountain looking into the sunset.

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall." Ps 62:7

With the Lord’s grace, I save marriages for a living. Not I, but He through me. I teach marriage seminars, wrote a marriage book, lead Standers’ meetings, am a parent stander and more than three decades ago I was the prodigal who left my husband for another (but are now reconciled and soon-to-be-celebrating our 35th!) I’m pretty familiar with this Standing business!

I’m constantly asked “What is a Stander?” It’s exciting to explain as it creates openings to share the Gospel and show the world there’s always hope—and another option than divorce. But I needed a clear list to point them to so they could consider Standing too. I pray this "list" blesses you in your stand or allows you to walk alongside the stand of a loved one.

What is a Stander?

A Stander is one who’s standing for reconciliation of a marriage: a spouse, child, sibling’s, etc.

Standing spouses are counter-cultural as they choose to stand even though their spouse may be in the midst of an affair, is pursuing divorce, has a child with the other person or has already attained a “legal” divorce.

Standers believe in the covenant made at their wedding that “what God has joined together, no human must separate (Mk 10:9)”—not even a judge. Thus, they remain married regardless of their “legal” status.

Standers refuse to surrender their marriage simply because others tell them to “get on with their lives” or “they deserve to be happy.”

Standers realize that while standing they’re definitely experiencing the “worse” part of their “better or worse” vows but by the grace of God, they can endure this journey in hopes of a worldly reconciliation. They also know that thousands of couples have reconciled and are exponentially happier than before their stands.

Standing is hard—likely the hardest thing you’ll ever do as it stretches you in ways you never believed possible. You will cry. You will scream and you will pray for the seemingly unbearable journey to end. But you will also rest. You will grow in wisdom, strength, perseverance, self-control, patience and peace. You will praise God for the woman or man you recognize yourself becoming and you’d likely not turn back.

Your stand will allow you to grow in intimacy with your children, your spouse (even if you rarely communicate) and others as standing teaches you to love like Christ. You’ll be shocked when you find yourself praying for the other person and recognizing the softening of your heart as you do.

Your stand will transform you.

Memorize this: “Jesus I trust in you! Jesus, I trust in you! Repeat daily...Umm…hourly…ok, constantly.

Though each stand is as unique as each couple, most Standers practice the following:

Never respond to hatred and anger with hatred and anger. (Luke 6:27-28) (Eph 4:31-32)
Never respond with tough love. (Prv. 15:1) (Gal. 6:1)
Never give ultimatums. (Prov 24:29) (Rom 12:17-21)
Never respond as “everyone else” tells you to respond. (Rom. 16:17) (1 Pet 3:15-16)
Never think of yourself as “the good guy” and your prodigal as “the bad guy.” (Mat 7:3)
Never seek unnecessary information about your prodigal. It only hurts you and places doubt in your mind as to the potential for reconciliation. (Phil 4:8)
Never think of yourself first “rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourself (Phil 2:3b)”
Recognize the conditions you may have placed on your “unconditional” love. (1 Cor 13:4-7)
Recognize what your prodigal says isn’t really your prodigal but the enemy who has temporarily deceived your prodigal. (2 Cor 4:3-4)
Recognize what you see happening in the Natural has little to do with what is taking place in the Supernatural. (Eph 6:12)
Recognize your children will at first believe your reconciliation impossible but will eventually support your stand as they witness its fruit in your life. (Prov 1:8-9)
Recognize most prodigals will blame their entire broken relationship on you and your faults. (1 Pet 3:14)
Recognize most prodigals will say they never loved you and are never coming back. (Eph 5:6)
Recognize many prodigals do come back. (Luke 15:11-21) (Hos 2:9)
Recognize reconciled marriages are happier than those that never struggled. (Rom 11:15)
Recognize “divorce” and “remarriage” never solve problems but create new ones. (Deut 24:1-4)
Always pray before communication with your prodigal. (Phil 4:6)
Always apologize for any of your missteps—regardless of their proportion to your prodigal’s. (Matt 5:23)
Always pray for your prodigal. (1 Thes 5: 17)
Always pray for the Other Person. (Luke 6:27-36)
Always opt for silence over defense. (Prov 21:23)
Listen more than you ever believed humanly possible. (Jam 1:19)
Forgive more than you ever believed humanly possible. (Col 3:13)
Love more than you ever believed humanly possible. (1 Pet 4:8-9)
And in the words of Winston Churchill “Never, never, never give up” on your spouse, your marriage and the Lord’s promises.

Why Do We Stand?

We stand because we no longer tolerate the false ideology that divorce “makes us happier” and recognize that second “marriages” fail at a higher rate than do first marriages. As Parent Standers, while we recognize we have no control over whether or not our children reconcile, we more quickly realize we are truly “standing in the gap” until they can stand on their own. We stand because we recognize the debilitating effects of divorce on our communities, our families and, most importantly, our children! We say we’d take a bullet for them, yet few are willing to take the tremendously painful bullet that rips into their hearts, tearing to pieces their childhoods, their lives and their future relationships. We stand because we no longer want to victimize our children with the selfishness of striving for our own happiness—while negating theirs. We stand because we know we’re powerless, God’s in control and our job is to surrender. We stand because we love and love never fails.

I am a Stander. Will you stand with me?

37 Comments

Debbie

7/31/2018 14:36:50

I feel that I’m a stander, though sometimes it’s me who thinks I can’t stand one minute more. I feel that I sometimes hurt or ignore him, as though that will make him know how he has hurt me. Thank you for this blog.

Dr. Christine Bacon

7/31/2018 15:00:32

Girl, you are not alone! I think so many of us hurt in retaliation for having been hurt. It's like putting our hands on a hot stove. Our instant reaction is quick and definitive. The problem with us ignoring or hurting back is that often they don't even realize they've hurt us, and even if they do, we are not drawing them closer to Christ through our response. We are being unloving, un-Christlike, and the battle continues. Continue to see areas that you respond in ways unlike our Lord and then quickly apologize for them. Even if what your husband did is worse. Your apology for a minor misstep will befuddle him and cause him to wonder why you DIDN'T respond unkindly. Don't expect to fix this in a day. I'll be fixed the day I die. Ugh. Oh well, Jesus is pleased why I at least give it the ol' college try. I look forward to hearing from you one day when you have attained Super Couple status. It is surely possible.

5/27/2019 10:02:23

I don’t know where to begin I’m at the point where it just seems impossible. I’m the worst stander in the history of standing lol that’s how I feel. I keep trying to give up but I just can’t get over the pain. I sinned badly in my marriage a lot...after years of being lukewarm I got saved went from being a prodigal to a Christian and no one believed. Now I’m in a situation I don’t want to be in nor do I know the way out

Dr.Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:37:50

Dear CB, I can assure you that you are not the worst stander in history. Most of us Standers believe that, next to the death of a child, standing is the most difficult thing one will ever have to do in their entire lifetimes. Standing can be lonely as most of us are surrounded by friends and family who have bought the lies of a culture that says it's ok to move on if you're unhappy. Moving on will NOT make us any happier. We will then just be forced to pretend we're happy accepting a lifestyle we never wanted because it's what's been dealt out to us. Please don't give up on your stand! All of us are sinners who have fallen short and Satan will do his darndest to make you think you are beyond forgiveness and reconciliation. You are not. If you want help finding the way out of your lifestyle and strategies for your continued stand, please let me know. I am here for you and can connect you with an entire community of other standers to walk beside you and encourage you through the good days and the bad. Go to my contact page and send me a private message. I'll get back with you ASAP.
Dr. Bacon

Chris

8/20/2019 06:31:06

Wow what a blog I'm a husband standing for my marriage for the second time 4 years the first time I don't know how long it will be this time but jesus has my back and i will be faithful god out us together .

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:39:18

Jesus definitely has your back, Chris! He is the King of Reconciliation. He wants your reconciliation too. God bless you, Christine

Carl

10/21/2019 04:53:21

How do you know if God wants you to stand rather than accept and let go? My wife committed emotional adultery first then followed by physical adultery when we were separated. The guy is now in my house. My wife wants a divorce. Is this God saying let it go as hopeless or fight and stand? Standing is so hard right when hope seems gone? But God??!!

Tom

12/23/2019 21:56:03

1 Cor. 7:15. Also any one who does not take care of their own is worse than a unbeliever

Marcia

2/8/2020 12:44:21

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NIV)
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

Verse 15 does NOT mean "let go and find another". It means live in peace. Paul tells us what the Lord says, so does Luke (as well as Matt 19, and 5:31-31, and Mark 10)

Luke 16:18 (NIV)
18 “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 5:31-32 Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (RSVCE)
Concerning Divorce
31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that every one who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity,[a] makes her an adulteress; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Footnotes:
5.32 unchastity: The Greek word used here appears to refer to marriages that were not legally marriages because they were either within the forbidden degrees of consanguinity (Lev 18.6-16) or contracted with a Gentile. The phrase except on the ground of unchastity does not occur in the parallel passage in Lk 16.18. See also Mt 19.9 (Mk 10.11-12), and especially 1 Cor 7.10-11 which shows that the prohibition is unconditional.

Malachi 2:14-16... He hates divorce because of what it does to the children (also mentioned in 1Cor 7:15)

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:43:04

This is amazing Marcia! You post is comprehensive and absolutely spot on! No matter how we as a society try to make the square peg of divorce try to fit into the round hole of God's law, it cannot stand. Divorce is still an abomination in the eyes of God. I'm not judging others. I'm just repeating what God has told us. I stand with you as we both try to help save other's marriages. It's definitely not easy but the payoff is eternal! God bless you sister,
Dr. Christine Bacon

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 20:51:59

No Carl. God does NOT want you to let go of your marriage. There's a huge difference between moving forward and moving on. You must continue to move forward in your life and your attempts at reconciling your marriage--despite what the situation may look like in the natural. You never know what God is doing in the supernatural. Affairs end...even after they move in together ESPECIALLY after they move in together and the excitement of sneaking around comes to an end and the mundaneness of real life sets in. Whether or not the divorce goes through in the natural, you are still married in the eyes of God as his word tells us (over and over again). And as I said before, standing is the heaviest cross any human will ever have to carry besides the death of a child. So keep on fighting! You are a strong and blessed man as God only gives these heavy crosses to those who are strong enough to carry them. But you do not have to carry it alone. You have an entire community of standers here to stand beside you. let me know and I'll add you to our private group and you can meet with us through Zoom or even face-to-face. We'll encourage you and allow you to vent when needed. We understand. One last thing, thousands of marriages reconcile every year--couples that dealt with infidelity, those who divorced and those who had children with the other person. Yours can reconcile too. My own marriage is proof of that. May God bless your stand and your marriage. Send me a message if you want to connect further.
Christine

Lisa

2/1/2020 03:31:24

On my 4th stand, had 3 false starts. My husband has been gone now going on 14 months and has been threatening divorce since November of last year. However, he wants me to initiate it which I will not. On Christmas he said to expect the papers the following week but praise God we are in February now and still nothing. Communication is very limited. At times standing seems unbearable and like nothing is happening. Then there are times of absolute peace that surpasses all understanding. I am up browsing articles and posts about prodigals. It's a little after midnight and I am missing my husband dearly. But I know God will sustain me. No matter what I will not give up.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/1/2020 21:04:29

Oh Lisa, my heart aches for you! I know this is difficult but you can get through this. You have an army of angels protecting you and supporting you right now. You are so right to not initiate the divorce. It's one of the mistakes so many make when we are told our spouse no longer loves us or, worse, has found someone else. DON'T DO IT! It is one extra barrier and it requires them to have to not only pay for the filing but also to face their our choices. Prodigals want us to file for the divorce that they want so they feel less guilty and then they can always say "Well, my spouse is the one who initiated the divorce." Don't fall for that trick and do not make it easier for your spouse to leave. Communication may be limited right now but let God use that silence to your advantage. Look at what's going on in our world today. The quarantine is forcing some people to stay with the other person 24/7 and it's not as good as they may have expected. I'm not sure if you are dealing with infidelity (though 90% of the time that is the catalyst to them leaving) but if so, people begin to get stir crazy if they are forced to stay in the same house for extended periods. Further, when you spend that much time together the glamour is removed and the warts start getting revealed. Regardless, I know standing seems unbearable at times but you are not alone. There is a community here just waiting to support you and stand with you. If you want a group of loving standers to encourage you through your difficult days, just give me a private email and I will reach out to you. You are loved. God WILL sustain you!
Christine

Lisa

4/1/2020 21:35:16

Thank you for your response Christine. He actually filed for divorce on 3/13. He called me while I was at work angry as usual sending me pictures of the wad of money he was about to pay the lawyer and the receipt. I spoke with the lawyer he asked was there anything I wanted out of the divorce I sajd no. He said well since you are in a different state we have to find someone there to serve you so just be sure to answer your phone to any unusual numbers it will most likely be our process server. That way you 2 can coordinate a time to meet so you can be served. He then said the process will take about 5 to 6 months. After that I was numb and I took my ring off. Then Covid crisis happened and everything has been shut down so the process is in limbo. My husband has not even attempted to check on me during all this. I no longer pray for our marriage to be restored but I do pray that the Lord keeps him safe. I honestly do not have any desire to be with him any more.

Holly

6/16/2020 15:01:20

Thank you for your article and encouraging words! My husband moved into the basement 8 months before deploying to Europe. During those 8 months he would come back into the bedroom to “reconcile “ whenever it suited him. One week he would want a divorce, the next week he would be “confused” and tell me he still loved me. Then after he deployed, about 3 weeks later he told me he didn’t need to talk to me unless necessary or anything regarding our kids. He came home for a week during the holidays and I discovered notes from another woman. He finally admitted to dating multiple women and having affairs. He said I shouldn’t be surprised because he said he wanted a divorce before he left. He refuses to acknowledge how he used me and played with my emotions before he deployed. Our kids (who are all in their late teens) want nothing to do with him. He has just returned from deployment and filed for divorce (6 months after discovering his affair). He says he wants to fix things with the kids and for us to be civil. He says he’s sorry for the way he ended things but not remorseful. He once was a Christian and says he’s asked God to forgive him for the affairs but thinks it’s ok to date because in his heart he’s no longer married. He justifies everything and truly believes me and the kids will “come around” and forgive and move forward. I’m so hurt, angry and disgusted by his behavior and attitude. He’s so lost and can’t see it no matter how many times I’ve tried to explain it to him. I go back and forth with “standing” or “moving on” but try to ALWAYS end my prayers with “not my will, but Yours be done!”

Gina

2/7/2020 10:37:09

My husband had an affair 5 years ago simply lust, she worshipped the devil he left. I didn't hold up my end of the bargain of forgiveness! Last May I found he was talking to her, confronted him and he said nothing was going on. On Sunday in church in November we held hands and he raised them to God and we came home and I knew I had to make changes. 1 hour later I found his text and when I confronted him he said it wasn't what I thought and that he never loved me! He walked away from his ministries! He is still living here was suppose to move out in January! He calls me baby but has no physical contact with me at all, he sleeps on the couch! He see her once a week and lies about where he has been. I went to her house on one of those days and there was his car. I have been standing, fasting, up and down in emotions! One day I am confident in God then the next I am devastated! During this journey God has showed me my role as a wife and when he shows me I go and apologize to him for what I did! I struggle knowing he is in somebody else bed and here I am asking for forgiveness but I have to do what the Holy Spirit guides me to do! I want to pack his cloths and drop them off at her house when he is there but then again I want my marriage! We are going to a concert in San Diego to see TobyMac this weekend but after that I don't know! This pain is worse than anything I could imagine and I can't hear God!

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 16:32:04

Gina,

I am so hurt for you. Standing is hard! And you have what is called an "in-home prodigal". That sometimes makes it harder as you have to look at his "mess" on a daily basis. But the good side is that "at least you have him in your home." It's a double-edged sword. Everything you are doing is good: praying, fasting, apologizing and looking to God to become a new creation in Christ. That's all you CAN do. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. But the Lord can and will change him. He is very double-minded right now (calling you baby and then saying he never loved you; seeing another woman but then going to a concert with you). I understand wanting to pack his bags and even wanting to scream in his face about his behavior towards you and towards God, but you're right. You also want your marriage. If you'd like, I can give you some strategies on how to stand while you're in this stage: how to be a welcome mat without being a doormat. Go to my contact page and send me a personal email if you wish and we can work form there. But remember, God can work the most amazing miracles in your marriage as He has in so so many marriages already. He sometimes lets it get to its most impossible stage so that when he transforms it people are stunned and know it could have only occurred through his hand. I'll stand beside you the whole journey.
Christine

Joshua

3/11/2020 12:31:10

I am a young husband and father of a beautiful 3 yo daughter named River who until reading this page did not identify as a Stander but now I do. My wife and i have been together for 11 years and May would make 5 years of marriage. I have taken many steps to working on and purifying myself for the trials at hand. I am constantly seeking information, testimonials, etc during down time at work to help me get through the day. I must say that this page instantly stood out as uplifting and I thank the creators of it and the Creator of all that I found it.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 17:01:41

Joshua,

Thank you for the compliment on this being an uplifting site. That is my greatest hope, AND that hearts are turned to the Lord through it. I am glad you've made the decision to stand. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but the fruit of your efforts are eternal. If you need more testimonials go to Rejoice Marriage Ministries and head the story of its founders Charlyne and Bob Steinkamp and then read any of the thousands of testimonials they have on their site of impossible marriages reconciled. Also read Leila Miller's latest book "Impossible" Marriages Redeemed. It's fantastic and uplifting! My redemption story is in there too. If you would like to connect more intimately, please reach out to me through my contact page and i can walk this difficult journey with you. Have a blessed day and keep your eyes fixed on the Lord. he's all you need to get through this.
Christine

Sabrina

4/8/2020 23:08:47

Anyone ever get restored after their spouse married the other woman?
I’ve been standing 4 years almost
Thanks

Jeff

3/21/2020 00:25:27

I am standing when all around me tells me to run. I have the eternity and destiny at stake for my spouse and 6 children who are struggling in their own ways with this. God spoke to me today after finding out my wife has a new boy friend, do you trust me, do you trust me. He said it several time before I decided to answer yes. I am really struggling with the separation. Our status in the world say divorced, but not before the eyes of God!

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/2/2020 17:14:58

Jeff,
I am sooo glad you answered "Yes"! Your nature is in battle with your spirit. The natural always tells us to run but God says "Can you trust me to work out amazing things in the Supernatural?" You're a good man for standing especially since this whole world and everyone in it would tell you to run and cut her loose. Don't listen to them. Continue to listen to the Lord who will guide you in all of your ways. He made you a strong and courageous man and he wants you to fught with everything in your being for not only the sake of those six little ones but for wife's soul as well. The consequences of this choice will be truly eternal. But there will also be consequences here on earth such as the future success of your children's marriages as well as their levels of security and faith. Many children of divorce leave the faith because of their parents' divorce. You have an opportunity right now to alter the future in immeasurable ways. If you want someone to walk beside you or to join our Standers group, please contact me personally though my contact page and I will call you back.
Jesus, I trust in you,

Christine

Lorraine

4/2/2020 10:34:04

2/22/2020 05:34:31 --
What about standing for a second marriage? We do not have children together. My ex has already remarried. His ex has not but committed adultery and then left my husband. She never remarried and has no desire to. She is living completely in the flesh. When we started dating I asked and looked into if there were any chance of restoration in that marriage before proceeding in our relationship. We dated 16 months and both felt the Lord had brought us to each other in his goodness. Jesus was the foundation of our marriage. But after only two months of marriage I realized I was not healed from the emotional abuse from my first marriage and I brought with me baggage. My issues wounded my husband who now feels we made a mistake. I do not believe that is so and even still I recognize the sanctity of a covenant. God was in our relationship and at the altar with us when we took our vows before him. Of course many people want to tel me that we made a mistake getting married and to just let it go. But inside I feel I am called to stand. I know the Holy Spirit lives inside my husband and I am believing that in God’s timing he will rise up and move in my husband’s heart. I just need to remain faithful and continue with my counseling so that I can get the healing I need when restoration comes. I’m just wondering your thoughts since this was a second marriage for both of us.

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/3/2020 15:12:48

First of all, I’d like to ask you if you are Catholic? If so, did you get an annulment for your first marriage? Annulment does not “cancel out a marriage” it is a process to decide whether or not a marriage ever existed in the first place. Whether or not you are Catholic or Protestant then, you are in a Spiritually binding covenant with the spouse of your youth (your first husband). Man’s law (civil divorces) can not alter God’s law. A bond that God created cannot be severed by man. That’s why in our marriage vows we say (or at least used to say) “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder”. I know that may not be what you want to hear but we have all begun to fall victim to the culture’s “if everyone else is doing it then it must be ok” ideology. “Everyone’s sleeping together before they marry these days, so it must be acceptable.” God calls it fornication. “Oh he/she’s not legally divorced yet but he/she is no longer living with his spouse. Their divorce is almost complete so it’s ok for us to date.” God calls it adultery. “Everyone is marrying a second time so it must be a valid marriage.” It is not. Jesus said “If a man divorces his wife he forces her to commit adultery” [Jesus was pointing to the fact that a woman would NEED to remarry in order to live and thus sleeping with her second husband was still adulterous. God is God. He makes the laws. Our job is to abide by them.

All that said, I am NOT being judgmental. I, too, have (based on those laws above) committed both fornication and adultery. I am sorry. I have repented. God has forgiven me. Praise Him. So judgement from me, Sister! However, you did reach out to me for my advice so I would not be faithful to my call as His steward if I did not answer you honestly based on the Word. So let’s start with your first marriage.

Just because your first (only) husband is “remarried” does not mean either of you is out of your covenant. You were and are married in the eyes of God until one of you leaves this world. He, too, is living in a state of legalized adultery being with this second woman he calls his wife. Just curious, do you and he have any children together? Does your “ex” have any children with the other woman? That adds another layer to this response that I won’t get into here for the sake of time. I will respond to it in a second email if you’d like. As standers, we know that Standing is the hardest thing we will ever do in our entire lives and waiting for our covenant spouse to divorce the non-covenant spouse is an incredibly difficult thing to do (apart form the grace of God). But in essence, that’s what we are called to do (whether society judges us as nut cases for doing so or not) even if “everyone else says to move on and try again a second (or third, or fourth) time with another person.

As for your current “husband” and your situation… I’m sorry that his first wife committed adultery. That is devastating to say the least. It destroys many marriages. BUT it is a forgivable offense regardless. They can surely reconcile. All that is needed for that is humility, forgiveness and grace that only God can give. I’m thrilled she has no desire to remarry! That means she found out that the other man wasn’t right for her either and that infidelity makes us irrational. If she and your “husband” one day reconcile oh what rejoicing there would be in heaven! If they have children together oh what rejoicing there would be on earth! Children want to be raised by THEIR mom and THEIR dad—not a step parent. But I can work with them later though. This is about you. I know.

I am happy that you waited to see if there would be restoration in that marriage before you decided to marry. That shows your heart. You seem to want what’s best. And had you had the information I have just shared with you, you likely would never have married him but rather kept your eyes of faith on knowing that as long as there is breath in their lungs there is always potential for reconciliation. As a Christian many of us look for a sign to see if God is “OK” with this second relationship. But we also forget that Satan is also out there lying to us and he always tries to make something ungodly seem as if it “must have been from God” because it feels so right. One thing I always tell my clients and my children is that “peace is of the Lord, chaos is of Satan”. But it’s so funny that although it may have felt peaceful at first (though you may have been suppressing that still small voice down in your soul) that it only took a short two months for you to start experiencing the chaos of regret brought on by your “baggage” or unhealed wounds. I’m sorry that you were emotionall

Dr. Christine Bacon

4/3/2020 15:18:07

(part 2) emotionally abused. We can talk about that privately. I’ve seen many emotional “abusers” repent and become amazing spouses. (We’ll save that for later). Nonetheless, there is no peace. God may not have ordained that relationship. If you are in a state of adultery then rest assured he did NOT ordain that relationship. So please forgive me when this comes out sounding bad, but it’s a good thing that your husband feels like you guys made a mistake. It means God is speaking to his spirit as well. If you are both God-fearing people (which it seems you definitely are) God is likely withdrawing his peace as well because of this current decision to be in a non-covenant “marriage.” You can love one another but move on from each other…just like you both “moved on” from your first spouses. Now I am surely not saying that this would be easy. We are fighting against the forces of hell on this earth and Satan will do all in his power to get you to stay out of God’s will. It will seem crazy hard in your mind while you are contemplating it. But I will guarantee you one thing: once you step back into God’s will you will be COVERED with God’s incredible grace. Your spirit will just KNOW it’s right and you will find peace—the peace that transcends all understanding. God will guide you. He always has and He always will. We just have to get better at listening to him and discerning his voice from the many voices of the world (and of Satan).

Back to you. Your brokenness may have wounded your husband but you first need to heal your wounds. But don’t be remiss in thinking that you are the only one that is broken. Your new “husband” is also broken. We all are. There are some serious wounds that come from being the victim of infidelity and from divorce (self-doubt, insecurity, pride, etc.). So of course this is why second “marriages” fail at a rate significantly higher than first marriages. Broken people are trying to go through this life trying to find someone who “completes them “ as the movie says when the only one that can ever complete us is the Lord. The most beautiful thing you said was that you “ still I recognize the sanctity of a covenant.” You’re speaking truth there! But if you truly do, you’ll see that which you know deep down but just don’t want to hear (because of all the pain and hurt you endured) that your covenant was made only once and was not at that altar with you and your second “husband.” I rarely agree with the comments our ;friends” make to us regarding divorce and remarriage, but here is one time I will agree with your friends. You DID make a mistake and maybe you should seriously consider letting it go. Then work with me to find out how to be a stander for your first and only marriage. God can and has done amazingly transformative things! He can surely change your first husband from Saul to Paul. DO you not believe it is so? If not, your God is too small. In my business I’ve been blessed more times than I deserve to see these kinds of “fall to your knees” transformations.

Lorraine, this journey is not about your marriage. It’s about you. God wants your whole heart, your whole mind and your whole soul. He wants you to trust him. He will show you the way. You are strong. You are capable. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. You can stand and let the world see the miracles God can work through your story. So I agree with you when you say that you feel God is calling you to stand. Just not for this non-covenant marriage. If you believe that “in God’s timing he will rise up and move in my husband’s heart” then you know he can rise up and move in your first husband’s heart as well. You said that all you need to do is “remain faithful and continue with my counseling so that I can get the healing I need when restoration comes.” I agree wholeheartedly. Remain faithful and let the Lord heal you. Trust in Him and trust in his miraculous power to heal you, your “ex” and your marriage. The world will be astonished and more souls will be won…all because you had faith and the decided to Stand.

Nora

4/2/2020 10:49:15

Great article, as always. Keep up the good work, sister!

Brent

4/19/2020 20:16:04

This is a great blog! My wife and I are going through a divorce. She filed in October of 2019 and I can't be more in pain. We have three children (9, 4 and 1). She's been in a limerent affair for over a year and I try to be her safe place as much as I can but there have been times that I have been pushy, pleaded and begged. I know that is not attractive. So scared that this divorce will go through and what the future holds. I trust that god won't allow me to give up and there is a chance of reconciliation. I love that woman so much. I know that I wasn't a perfect husband but did provide and yearned for more love over the last year and a half. Please pray for us and hope I can get help, where possible. Thanks!

Melissa

4/22/2020 02:30:37

I need more help and understanding with this, I am the one that had the affair in our marriage, we separated once and quickly got back together. I was not prepared what he needed from me to heal through that, I shut back down emotionally and become unattached he thought I was having the affair again I was not but he told me to leave again. We have now be separated again for a year and I am completely healed from Christ, have been restored within a couple months after leaving which is what I missing from the first time. We reconnected again somewhat but stayed separated but now he is still pushing for divorce saying it’s all my fault, I have tried to share with him scripture of forgiveness but he still refuses stating this is what I wanted so he is giving it to me. Am I to just stand back and not fight for my marriage? I don’t fully understanding “standing” does that mean waiting quieting no contact? He does know where I stand that I want to repair our marriage but people tell him he would be crazy. Please help explain what standing means

Shannon Williams link

4/24/2020 09:23:58

Thank you for your blog. I have been following rejoice ministries and an active stander for 2.5 years. My covenant spouse left me and my 2 teen daughters and remarried his fitness coach less than a year later. I will NOT be shaken or moved from the calling God has placed on me. I’m believing and trusting and can not wait for my daughters to witness supernatural healing from porn addiction in their father and also a totally HEALED and restored marriage in their parents. God deserves much glory for putting this in my spirit. This family will reap the harvest and share our story full time with others!!
SW

Shannon Williams

4/24/2020 09:37:34

I would love to receive an email from you and/or support from others who are committed to their stand.

Missy

4/24/2020 19:39:57

Hi Christine, I had just learned about learned about standing for my marriage when I found your website.
And here's my story
So, I was in a long distance relationship with my husband., then I got pregnant and then he decided to marry me, and of course I said yes.
But before we could formalize the marriage we started having problems. Please note that he had already taken me to his parents and everyone else in his family, so it was very well known that we're married, though not legally yet!
So when my baby was around 3 months old, I found out that he was talking to his ex girlfriend and I asked him about it , and out of nowhere he actually ended our marriage saying that she came into his life before me, and that he loves her and that I was only just his other woman.
It Hurts me and its been months the pain keeps on hurting me I don't know how to stop feeling this way.
So I'm just wondering if standing for this marriage is really worth it because:
1. He's abroad, we barely talk and see each other, I feel like we don't have a chance
2. The girl he left me for is also abroad!
3. He says that he hates me and he'll never come back toe
4. He's made me look like the bad guy to his friends and some relatives
5. He says he hadn't thought this marriage this through
6. He has given this girl much power such that she even textd me telling me how I suck at treating a man and keeping him. It hurts so much for him discussing personal issues about our marriage with her.
7. He said he could not leave her because she's an orphan and he was her only hope
8. He doesn't feel anything for me
9. He says whenever we talk his anger awakens because his parents love me and they don't want to let me go
10. He barely checks on how the baby is doing. Maybe he moved on
But I still love him very much, I'd do anything to have my happy marriage back
I don't know what to do.
Should I just quit and move on?

Sandra link

5/5/2020 14:14:42

My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years and we have had our ups and downs. In 2009 my husband began a relationship with a woman that he used to date in high school and that relationship went on for a little over 3 years. I was devastated but I did not give up. I prayed and cried for most of those 3 years. I can't say I was patient but I didn't give up hope that God would indeed mend our relationship. Miraculously after a little over 3 years their relationship ended and he returned to me and loved me completely. About a month ago I somehow received and email that was meant for her and I realized that it is starting all over again. He has been showing his love for me less often, telling me how unhappy he is and blaming me for being unhappy for almost the whole 30 years we have been together. I have been praying as hard as I can because I am not ready to give up but I feel so alone. And he is sending me mixed signals which is playing with my emotions. Sometimes turning to prayer is consuming me because I want to know more about God and how I should pray to return my husband once again to me. My friends and family have told me to leave him but I just can't do that. He is a good man but he has allowed evil to come between us. I don't want to give up.

Brock

6/9/2020 23:11:06

My wife and signed divorce papers in February. We’d been together 11 years married for almost 8. The last year I really shut down emotionally. She reached out to a high school boyfriend who was her first love. His wife had divorced him over 2 years ago. They are still in a relationship but she still reaches out to me from time to time. She moved out of our house into an apartment in December. I’ve been praying since January for God to restore our marriage.
I need to mention he was left a large amount of money which she says is not important to her. We have been intimate 3 times since signing divorce papers. I’ve told her that I want this to work and even suggested we go away for a week or so just to see how it would be. The next morning she says she needs time to figure out what she wants. I know she’s confused and if I’d never pushed her away in our marriage we wouldn’t be where we are. It’s just hard when she reaches out every few weeks then the next day she is confused and needs more time. I feel God has put this on my heart to stand but I just don’t want to used if that makes sense. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you for your time

Esther

6/13/2020 02:35:16

I am a stander. Rejoice marriage ministries have been the only support I have had with their daily emails, stories and video sermons and testimonies. Marriages are being annihilated all over this world. I am fighting for victory against the enemy so our testimony will give God all the glory and speak volumes to His restoration power. I am struggling for the last 2.5 years standing for my marriage. After reading the comments about the second marriage I am now totally confused. I was married to my first through a catholic marriage and we didn’t really know Jesus. After 25 years and three children he had an affair and told me he couldn’t do this anymore. I finally found the real Jesus drew closer to God more than ever. I am grateful because I change the course of me and my daughter’s future. I know God lead me to my now husband and unknowingly I married into a blended mess of a family. Really thought my husband was interested in serving the Lord full time but three years later while ministering to a woman, found out she went behind my back and seduced him and took him from us. Jezebel devoured our family like a scary movie and we were devastated.
Eventually he left her, begged me to drop the divorce he started and as soon as I did he stopped meeting me, spending time with me and only gave me one –two hours a week to meet. His brokenness is a big huge mess. He has no friends. He spends time trying to mend his past with his adult boys (21, 36, 38, 41) and the damage his ex did with his boys. I ministered to him and thought we were making some kind of progress but it is just such an uphill battle. His boys hate me because I took him away from him. They are not saved. They are only interested in what they can get from him and continue to make him feel guilty for whatever he did when they were younger. They have full control over him. If he returns to me they will stop communication and take the grandbabies away. He desperately craves the love from them and is afraid to move forward with me. I am standing because this was a covenant marriage. We both know Jesus. Now during this horrible quarantine time he won’t talk to me and barely communicate with me. All I wanted to do is ministry with my husband and live a simple life.
I continue to walk in unconditional love for my husband as it has to be from God. His brokenness got him here with me and no one else has ever stood by him like I have. His past keeps him bound with more abuse. This hurts so much but I will continue to honor my commitment until God says otherwise. I have faith what God brought together He will accomplish. So now, being completely exhausted and want to give up I am more confused than ever. After reading what you posted about a second marriage, I question everything and now what am I standing for and who am I standing for? You don't need to post. I am completely confused and was wondering if you could share your thoughts. Thank you, God bless you.

Dr. Christine Bacon

6/30/2020 17:35:36

Dear Esther,
I am so glad you found this website (and RMM. They are what taught me about standing so many years ago). Second, I am sorry you are hurting. Standing sucks and broken marriages hurt. But if you don’t mind, I’d like to start directly answering your questions.
I’m sorry that you are now confused considering you are standing for your second “marriage.” But that’s a good place to start my response.

My dear friend, as hard as this is, it doesn’t have to be confusing. God is pretty straight forward about his institution of marriage and his hatred of divorce. And in addition to hating divorce, he still doesn’t let us off the hook because Jesus himself, when questioned, said that “any man (person) who divorces his wife (spouse) forces him/her to commit adultery.” Oh and, by the way, “thou shalt not commit adultery.” It’s a sin. So there is no wiggle room left in his words. According to God and the bible, there is no such thing as a second marriage when one’s first and only spouse is still alive.

Before I continue, I want to stress that there is no judgement coming from me. I am a sinner saved by grace just like you are and am simply his ambassador in the field of marriage. It’s the mission he’s given me to offer clarity and wisdom to others in hurting and broken marriages and also to be a counter-cultural voice of Truth in a society that is trying to dismantle that truth—especially when it comes to marriage and the family. So, I’m on your team here. But I want to go back to your statement of “confusion” and say that it’s only confusing because you’re trying to apply the principles of standing for your marriage with a man who is not your husband in God’s eyes. Our stands must be for the spouse of our youth. Now, please don’t stop reading but hear me out.

You said that you were married for 25 years and had three beautiful children. Oh, what blessings they are! Like olive branches around your table. That’s a quarter of a century! I don’t know your covenant spouse’s name so I’ll call him John. Three children were created out of your marital love with John. I am so sorry he had an affair after all those years. Those are wretched and the pain incomprehensible. Affairs hurt not only the offended spouse, they hurt the entire family. His affair hurt your children—his children. That is sin. However, had he not sinned you likely would never have drawn as close as you have to God because of it. So, praise God for always finding a way to bring good out of evil “All things work to good for those who trust in God.” And yes, it absolutely did change the course of your life and your future (why just your daughter’s and not your other two children? Just curious.) In truth it actually changed the course of all five of your lives, just in many unforeseeable ways.

I will disagree though that “God” led you into your second marriage. God will never lead us into sin. God allowed you to find your second “husband” (I’ll call him Ron) because he gave you free will and would not hinder that free will. But to be clear, Satan is also very cunning and does his best to makes things appear as if they must have come from God when, in truth, it led us right into Satan’s snare. As you said with your own words you were “married into a blended mess of a family.” Does that sound like something an ever loving and merciful God would do? No. He seeks that you have life and have it abundantly.

Understand that God loves Ron too—and the women induced by Jezebel to tear you two apart. You enumerated a few of the details in that situation though most are usually not required. What I did learn from your details is that Ron, too, is married to a covenant spouse of his youth thus reminding you that your marriage to Ron never truly existed in the eyes of the Lord. He made a family with this woman and together their love created four fantastic sons. Now I am not here to tell you that marriage is easy for I surely know that it is not (read my book The Super Couple and see that my own marriage was painful and endured a near divorce). I do not know all the evil things Ron said and did to his wife, nor she to him, nor do I know the mean and hurtful things that took place in your marriage to John. We are sinful creatures. We say and do mean things. We hurt our spouses (some more than others) but that does not give us an escape clause from our vows. I sometimes wished it did. But if that were the case who would remain married? If we all ran at the first sign of pain there’d be no marriages remaining. Oh wait! We do run from our marriages at the first sign of pain (me included) an there are only few that seek to stay married today! So I would believe you if you delineated every mean thing your first spo

Ashley

6/20/2020 18:53:56

I have been standing for 5 yrs no contact. Please pray for me.

Dr. Christine Bacon

6/30/2020 17:37:16

I will pray for you Ashley. And if you'd like to talk further about standing give me a call. I can better support you that way.

Dr. Bacon

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Dr. Christine Bacon is a communication and relationships expert whose articles seek to encourage, inspire and teach others to become the best versions of themselves possible. Here, she offers valuable insights and advice on matters of personal, couples, family and workplace relationships.

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