Marriage and Relationship Advice | Articles - Dr. Christine Bacon, the Relationship Doctor

Understanding Standers 101: Pray! Pray! Pray for Your Prodigal!

2/5/2022

Ahh...prodigal spouse, prodigal child...any prodigal in our lives means they've turned away from you, have likely rejected you and have done their best to make your life hell. They have in some ways made themselves your enemy.

And who wants to pray for their enemy?

Well, as we all know, Jesus commands us to pray for our enemies. Ugh. I know. Right? Ok, so when we do our prayers are usually something akin to "Dear Jesus, please help them to see how sinful they are and make them wake up, come home and stop being so ugly to me!"

While we do want them to stop walking in the darkness of a sinful or prodigal lifestyle, those prayers are still a bit more selfish and less compassionate than they need to be.

When we are called to pray for our enemies, we are to pray out of love for them and to want nothing but God's best for them but it is just so hard to pray like that.

Do it anyway.

Pray out of deep love for not only your prodigal but for your Lord:

"Jesus, not only is my heart breaking while my prodigal spouse, child, brother, etc. is in the Far Country living a life of sin, but YOUR heart, O God, is broken as well. Soften my heart, dear Lord, and allow my prayers to bring nothing but the greatest blessings upon my prodigal so that they first return to YOU and only then to me."

Pray without ceasing as those prayers are much more influential than you may believe.

Second, not only do your prayers work to soften your prodigal's heart, but they work to soften yours. Eventually, you'll see your prodigal with the same loving eyes as does Jesus. And this is when you will be transformed. Only then can your prodigal come home.

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Understanding Standers 101: You're Not the Good Guy!

2/5/2022

We, as humans, have such a tendency to see ourselves in a much brighter light than we see others. We cut ourselves mental slack when we err "I'm only human after all" while we maximize every detail of our brother's (or our spouse's) errors, flaws or wrongdoings. "He should have known better!"

When you and your spouse are split up, divorced or dealing with a major issue like his or her infidelity, the world will allow you to categorize that person as the one at fault, the one who made the mistake, the one who broke the marriage.

But don't listen to the world.

While you may be the one hurting and begging for your spouse to come home, the victim of an affair, etc., you are not without fault - EVER.

You are NOT the good guy.

Our thoughts dictate our feelings. If we think more equitably about our spouse and ourselves we are more inclined to reconcile as we begin to notice all those ways that we, too, failed within our marriages. Satan wants the blame game and the mathematical division of the fault "Well, he was 90% to blame!" but God wants charity.

Loving one another isn't always easy but we've been commanded to do so. So let's get those planks out of our eyes so that when our spouses return we can start working on the speck in theirs.

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Understanding Standers 101: Why We Stand.

2/5/2022

In the upcoming days I will be sharing with you knowledge of what "Standers" are, the creed we live by and the "rules" if you will, for being an effective Stander. Standers stand on God's principles.

We stand not because it's easy or because we "want" to stand because standing is the heaviest cross one can carry next to the death of a child because brought with it is not only loneliness, pain and persecution but daily rejection from those we love and those who are supposed to love us most: our spouses, our children, our family and many of our friends.

But the fruit of standing is tremendous in that we draw closer to God than we could have ever imagined possible as the intimacy and frequency with which we connect with Him is incomparable to anything one can experience here on Earth.

So come along with me on this journey to understanding "Standing" and allow yourself to be transformed -- just as we are. Consider subscribing to this page, following me on Instagram and Facebook and on my other social media sites as well and encourage your friends and family to do the same. It might be hard for you to share these word or explain yourself as you try to Stand for your marriage so let me say it for you. You never know who might need the love and support of this blessed community. Standers will likely not tell you they need us because it is traumatizing to be a separated faithful, standing for your marriage alone while the rest of the world is telling you to get over it and move on. Stay here and journey with us. You'll be so grateful you did and you'll grow closer to God as you do.

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If You Desire a Happy Marriage, Seek Holiness Instead.

2/5/2022

If only I'd have known this sooner...

So many of us, most really, OK all of us go into marriage thinking it will be the source of our happiness, and if not the source, we certainly think marriage will make us happy. First mistake.

Not only will marriage not MAKE us happy, every marriage - even super couple marriages - go through seasons of unhappiness. Happiness is elusive. It is not permanent. We can never find happiness with a broken spouse. And since we are all broken...

Since I've been in the marriage-saving business I've noticed a pattern: many married people want to be single and many single people want to be married. Each seems to think they will "find" happiness once they attain the other state. They will not. Once they get to the other side, the side they thought they wanted, they experience all the negatives of that state. "I wanted to be married but I didn't want someone who spoke to me like that when he/she was in a bad mood." "I wanted to be divorced/single but I hate not having someone to hang out with." "I hate not getting to see my children seven days a week" and so on. Happiness eludes you yet again...and it always will.

Seek holiness instead.

Marriage is a sacrifice. That means it's a constant state of giving something up, having unmet needs (unmet by your spouse, at least) and always working for something better. Marriage is not static, it is dynamic - always changing.

As I said in a recent post, the word sacrifice comes from the Greek words sacra which means "holy" and ficia which means "to make." Your marriage is designed to make you holy as we are to be holy unto the Lord. We want to be able to present ourselves to God as perfected as we possibly can and, for many of us, marriage is the vehicle to get us there.

I don't like when my spouse is ugly to me. He doesn't like when I scream. Ours is not a perfect marriage. We sacrifice daily in order "to love" one another (the verb). But through it all we learn patience, forgiveness, perseverance and most importantly, we learn to fix our gaze on Christ instead. The good news? When we are both facing and walking closer to God, we are necessarily drawing closer to each other.

There is so much more I’d like to share about this topic but I’d likely have to write a book to do so. Just know this: your tears and unhappiness are not in vain. God will use them to purify you, you just need to offer them up “Lord, I am unhappy in my marriage. It is not what I wanted. I surrender my marriage to you. I surrender the pain to you. Take it and use it where it is needed most: for my spouse’s salvation, for my co-worker’s healing, to get souls in heaven, anywhere YOU want, Lord. Jesus, I trust in You.

Once you give your pain a purpose it becomes just a bit less painful and you become that much holier and, dare I say, the happiness follows, because your happiness is no longer in your marriage or your circumstances but in the Lord.

Want to learn more? I’d be honored to guide you on this path. It’s the job God gave me to do. You don't have to go it alone. Let me walk alongside and guide you. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

I Am A Stander

7/28/2018

Image of woman standing atop a mountain looking into the sunset.

"God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall." Ps 62:7

With the Lord’s grace, I save marriages for a living. Not I, but He through me. I teach marriage seminars, wrote a marriage book, lead Standers’ meetings, am a parent stander and more than three decades ago I was the prodigal who left my husband for another (but are now reconciled and soon-to-be-celebrating our 35th!) I’m pretty familiar with this Standing business!

I’m constantly asked “What is a Stander?” It’s exciting to explain as it creates openings to share the Gospel and show the world there’s always hope—and another option than divorce. But I needed a clear list to point them to so they could consider Standing too. I pray this "list" blesses you in your stand or allows you to walk alongside the stand of a loved one.

Save Marriage at All Costs

8/11/2017

The following is an article published in The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Property in which Dr. Christine Bacon was interviewed by John Horvat, author of the book Return to Order because of their mutual perspectives that stress the need for stability in marriage.

JH: In my book, Return to Order, I talk about what I call frenetic intemperance in economy and culture, which is the desire to have everything instantly and effortlessly. I talk about how this impacts society and economy. How is this frenetic intemperance reflected in today’s marriages?
Dr. Bacon: This is such a great question to ponder. But the frenetic intemperance of marriage is that desire to have the “perfect” marriage on day one of a couple’s life together without any need for work or without ever having to endure any trials.

"Til Death Do I Spouse You

2/17/2016

I attended a wedding this past weekend. I’m attending another tomorrow. I am so looking forward to it. Weddings are absolutely beautiful—the stuff fairy tales are made of. But what is even better than a beautiful wedding is a beautiful marriage. So often, though, the two are seen as one and the same. But most of us know that in truth they are not.

Journey with the Grieving

2/17/2016

Last February my life changed. My dear sweet friend had just received the visit no parent ever hopes to receive—the one from two uniform clad military service members arriving to tell you that on behalf of the United States of America, we regret to inform you…

What to Do If You Discover Your Child Is Being Bullied

2/4/2016

Q) Dear Christine,
While cleaning my son’s room, I accidentally saw on his Facebook page threatening remarks from his friends. I fear he’s being bullied. What should I do?

A) While I’m not encouraging you to push the “panic button” I’m also not suggesting you remain silent. Bullying should never be taken lightly. Open and honest communication with your son is key. ...

How to Deal With a Boss Who Takes Credit for Your Ideas

2/4/2016

Q) Dear Christine,
My boss keeps taking credit for my ideas. What should I do?

A) Absolutely foremost: Talk to your boss directly. This might seem obvious, but considering a large population of people are extremely conflict avoidant, this may be the last thing one attempts to do. (Click headline for more.)

Author

Dr. Christine Bacon is a communication and relationships expert whose articles seek to encourage, inspire and teach others to become the best versions of themselves possible. Here, she offers valuable insights and advice on matters of personal, couples, family and workplace relationships.

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